bleeding out

i am so glad to be home. It's been a week and all I've done, really, is sleep. I've seen friends but I felt exhausted and defensive at the same time. I needed time to rest and retract my claws. I want to return to purity, return to who God wants me to be. I know I'm where They want me, I know that this progression is so that I can become the woman I'm supposed to be. But I've adopted traits that aren't mine in order to protect myself.

Last night I stumbled upon Deuteronomy 4 and couldn't stop reading. I dubbed the night Yeshiva. I knelt on my floor and read and read and read until I couldn't stand it and put the Bible aside and started praying. My knees hurt and my legs were tingling but I didn't want to sit up, didn't want to stop, until I'd poured myself out before God. So now I want to return to my youthful innocence. I want to be pure, sweet, I want to shine again. I needed time to cover up, to shroud myself with smoke and liqour and forced laughter. But I feel stronger now, and I'm done covering up. I want to be cleansed, to let go of the things I've been holding on to, to only cover myself with God.

i want to be better. completely better. but i don't think i ever will. i kept hearing whispering while i was falling asleep the other night. disturbing. but i think it's the "he leaves and brings 7 stronger friends back with him" thing. does that make sense? anyways...s-dog needs the comp. but i'm struggling. with so many things it's easier not to think about it and just live this weird godless (or god-ignoring) life that i've been living. calling out when i think i might need help.

i'm so sorry for that, God. so sorry.

Honor Thy Father and Mother

last night i dreamt that there were rats in my home, and I tried to kill one by breaking its neck, but it survived, and the people holding a revival downstairs were mad at me because i missed it because i was blocked by the rat. Before last night, I wasn't sleeping at all (1 hour the night before) because I'm so angry and exhausted and astonished by the way my family has been treating me. I'm not sure what the dream means, but I think it has something to do with pent-up anger and frustration.

What's the correct course of action when it's your own parents that are screwing you? (The phrase "So you wanna bend me over again?" ran through my head much of the time they were here.) I think that part of the reason I had to come out here was to see that my family doesn't have my best interest in mind, that I need to stand up for myself (unaccomplished), and that I need to separate myself from my family (something I try again and again to do, but they just keep holding on. And, if I"m honest with myself, I"m a little scared.).

I feel bound by them, manipulated, unable to stand up for myself because they think I'm just "in a mood."

So, how do I do these things while still honoring them? What in the world do I say in the sake of self-preservation? Family are supposed to be the people who stand up for you/look out for you no matter what, the one group that has your best interest in mind. I guess, ideally. Not in practice. I'm so tired of fighting for myself; can you blame me for not wanting to with them?

I just don't know. I'm too tired to think.