being with scott changed something in me. And, even though he's out of my life now, that change has stayed. I was just thinking about getting drunk, and how I did this weekend but before that it had been at least a month. I just don't want to anymore. I don't feel as frantic, as grasping, as before. I don't feel like I have to run from thing to thing without rest. I don't feel like I have to be something I'm not.

I am more settled into myself. Even though my life is always, always crazy--I feel rooted, feet firmly planted. It's funny because there wasn't anything stable about Scott except for his rhetoric. Once he came back from California it was all a roller coaster. It was exhausting keeping up with his moods, waiting for him to prove good on his word, trying to bolster his fragile male ego. But somewhere in the mix I found myself acting like myself again. I found the ability to be affectionate again, to be sweet without sacrificing honesty (most of the time), and to be involved in my own life. I lost the frantic, the bitter, the denial part of me.

Things with Scott were not good. Not after the initial stage. But good came out of it, and somehow being with him gave me myself. If that makes sense.

So, my soul wants to say something. but it's not clear. it hasn't been for a while. i've been stuffing it deep down inside of me for months now. i'm no closer to God than I was in august. i might even venture to say that i'm as far away from him as i was years ago when i had the worst summer of my entire life. this time i'm making my own bed and hoping to lie in it. although i know it's going to hurt and suck, i'm just being so selfish and wanting to do what i want when i want and how i want. not giving much of a care into whether it's going to hurt anyone else and whether my heart can really recover from it. i hate to say it, but i don't think it can. the love i want and need can only come from god and i'm being a puss. i'm wooking pa nub in all da wong paces, as buckwheat would say. and i know it's going to hurt. but right now i want to know that i'm attractive. that i'm wanted. that i'm desired more than i want to know that i'm virtuous and pretty on the inside. what does that get you, you know? i don't know. i'm tired again. tired of being the one that always does the right thing. that can barely relate because i slipped up years ago on some offense that most people don't even see as an offense. i'm tired of being the one that people whisper around because they don't want to say the wrong thing. i'm tired of seeing people get the things i'm yearning for, but i get passed over. i'm tired of continuously questioning myself. i'm tired of not being good enough. tired.

Hungry

I'd decided to fast because I wanted to please God, and felt like it was time to be refined. Fasting seemed like the perfect way to mark the transition. For some reason, 7 days stuck in my head. I remember when 3 days was hard for me, back when I would fast on a whim and drink V8 and pray.

The fast: during the 7 days, it sucked. I woke every morning and annointed myself (each time I did, the word "consecration" would pop into my head) and sat on my lanai and prayed and read a part of the Bible. It felt less than magical. It felt almost like nothing--dull, rote, uninspired--but I'd commited so I did it. I tried to have a good attitude, but I didn't. I wanted to give up, but each time I'd pray and tell God "please let this show you that I take us, that I take you and me, seriously." If all that came of the fast was that God (and myself) knew I took our relationship seriously, that was enough for me.

It wasn't really until I was done that anything shifted in my spirit. During the fast I felt like I was surrounded by fog, that there was a thick sticky substance that kept me from reaching God and kept God's word from getting to me with any clarity. But today, after eating (food is the greatest thing EVER!), the world seems clearer, and so does what I want.

This morning I had my first breakthrough since I started fasting: I have not been a good friend to God. I used to be, we were best friends. But lately, I've been a really, really crappy friend to God. I want to be better. I feel like I'm getting the clean start that I wanted. And, after fasting, I feel like I've proven to myself that I still know how to follow through.

I am deciding, today (and each morning) to turn my life towards God.

i have a confession. I've had the crappiest attitude ever the last 2 days. I'm doing this cleanse for spiritual purposes, mostly, and I'm discouraged and grumpy as all get out. I keep focusing on the bad, on how tired I am or how much I want to eat, rather than praying or thinking positive thoughts. God loves a cheerful giver, right? And I'm trying to give of myself. But I just want to curl up and sleep all the time.

today i feel better, but i didn't go to church. i have no spiritual stimuli at all right now. and i'm becoming more dependent on people, which sucks. yeah, not really liking myself right now. i'm just not satisfied. that's all. i need a better life. i need to leave work earlier and live a little. i need to make sure that i'm doing what i'm supposed to do when i need to do it. i need to keep God first. i need to decide if i want to go on a date. i complain about not going but when someone wants to take me, i brush it off. what's wrong with me? i wish i could step out of my skin for a while and sit and contemplate and fix myself. my heart aches and my body rebels. God woke me up this morning and i ignored him. my heart is barely willing right now. just barely. i'm hanging by a thread of faith. it's good times.

bleeding out

i am so glad to be home. It's been a week and all I've done, really, is sleep. I've seen friends but I felt exhausted and defensive at the same time. I needed time to rest and retract my claws. I want to return to purity, return to who God wants me to be. I know I'm where They want me, I know that this progression is so that I can become the woman I'm supposed to be. But I've adopted traits that aren't mine in order to protect myself.

Last night I stumbled upon Deuteronomy 4 and couldn't stop reading. I dubbed the night Yeshiva. I knelt on my floor and read and read and read until I couldn't stand it and put the Bible aside and started praying. My knees hurt and my legs were tingling but I didn't want to sit up, didn't want to stop, until I'd poured myself out before God. So now I want to return to my youthful innocence. I want to be pure, sweet, I want to shine again. I needed time to cover up, to shroud myself with smoke and liqour and forced laughter. But I feel stronger now, and I'm done covering up. I want to be cleansed, to let go of the things I've been holding on to, to only cover myself with God.

i want to be better. completely better. but i don't think i ever will. i kept hearing whispering while i was falling asleep the other night. disturbing. but i think it's the "he leaves and brings 7 stronger friends back with him" thing. does that make sense? anyways...s-dog needs the comp. but i'm struggling. with so many things it's easier not to think about it and just live this weird godless (or god-ignoring) life that i've been living. calling out when i think i might need help.

i'm so sorry for that, God. so sorry.

Honor Thy Father and Mother

last night i dreamt that there were rats in my home, and I tried to kill one by breaking its neck, but it survived, and the people holding a revival downstairs were mad at me because i missed it because i was blocked by the rat. Before last night, I wasn't sleeping at all (1 hour the night before) because I'm so angry and exhausted and astonished by the way my family has been treating me. I'm not sure what the dream means, but I think it has something to do with pent-up anger and frustration.

What's the correct course of action when it's your own parents that are screwing you? (The phrase "So you wanna bend me over again?" ran through my head much of the time they were here.) I think that part of the reason I had to come out here was to see that my family doesn't have my best interest in mind, that I need to stand up for myself (unaccomplished), and that I need to separate myself from my family (something I try again and again to do, but they just keep holding on. And, if I"m honest with myself, I"m a little scared.).

I feel bound by them, manipulated, unable to stand up for myself because they think I'm just "in a mood."

So, how do I do these things while still honoring them? What in the world do I say in the sake of self-preservation? Family are supposed to be the people who stand up for you/look out for you no matter what, the one group that has your best interest in mind. I guess, ideally. Not in practice. I'm so tired of fighting for myself; can you blame me for not wanting to with them?

I just don't know. I'm too tired to think.

called my mom and blessed my apartment tonight. listening to india arie and pretending to work. god is good - all the time. he is forever looking out for me. it's amazing. even when i'm not in his word like i should be. i appreciate that so much. today, work was rough. just a lot of mental and emotional beating. i need to get ahead at work. hopefully that will happen. i feel i need to pray over my cube. for clarity of though, peace of mind, patience...all of things that seem to be lacking at work. i always forget that i'm constantly in a battle. i guess, because i don't want to think about it. so i shut it out. lord, prepare me and make me the woman you'd have me to be and allow me the freedom to follow wherever you might lead.

amen and amene

Providence

things have not been easy lately. I don't even know where to begin, so I will just cut to the God Point.

When I don't necessarily like my path, or if I'm uncertain of it, I love seeing God's hand so clearly. I was supposed to go to China. I didn't understand it, it was like everything was happening to me rather than me choosing any of it. I tend to not like that, but was excited about going. Then the job was pulled out from under me, for slightly complicated reasons that aren't worth getting into now and were pretty much beyond my control.

That night, I was confused and somewhat overwhelmed, and tired of being yanked around. I asked God what I should do, and distinctly heard them say Go. Which convinced me that I can't hear God at all, because my opportunity to "go" had just been taken completely and utterly away. I was stuck. But then I felt like he said Go to your family. I figured maybe I'd crash their planned family vacation.

I went to sleep and dreamt my grandpa was in the hospital, and I had to go to him. He was sick. He wanted me around.

A few days later, my mom called to tell me that my grandpa had been put in the hospital. I asked her if I could get a flight out there to see him this summer and she basically said no, that it wasn't that bad. The next day my dad called to see if I could leave immediately to go to Washington and stay with Grandpa. He was getting worse, he was scared, and he was alone. I pushed the days back a bit, so that I could get my stuff together here, but I'm heading out soon.

Even if it's not the best circumstances, I'm taking comfort in seeing God's hand in all this. If China hadn't come up, I'd be in school and working and wouldn't be able to leave. And, I'd already begun packing. It fell through under the strangest circumstances. That dream prepared me, and now I'm leaving. God is good. All the time.

not much to say

but it's been interesting to me that, lately, God has been encouraging me to be more creative. I've been given dreams where I'm writing, and I'm so happy to be writing (as I normally am), and I feel complete in that way that only creation makes me feel. The other night I laid down to sleep and pray, and (long story short) God allowed me (encouraged me, actually) to just be creative rather than straight praying. It's like lately I've lost my sense of fantasy, my imagination was drying up inside of me, things were either practical or nonexistent. All imagination had to come from someone else. But God said to take it and run with it and I feel somewhat restored.

sitting in a meeting today, i could feel myself getting sooo angry. about missed opportunities, people living for themselves, people giving me what they feel is the worst of things... my face was flushed and all i kept thinking was that i needed to have a "meeting" with a few people and go tell my friend about all of the bad things that were happening to me. as i was sitting there feeding the rage in my mind, a tiny thought burst through that wondered why i was getting so angry over something that i'd already dealt with? it was over and done. given to God. i needed to let it go. i quiet stormed back to my desk and thought for a little, then went to talk to my friend because i'd figured it out: my spirit was off. i wasn't me. i was in turmoil...like those big swirly things they always show in an ocean storm on cartoons that drags a boat down under the water in circles. i'm at a loss for words right now as to what that's called. but you get the point. i told her that i just needed to spend my weekend with God. even if it just meant listening to gospel music (cop out) because i was losing myself. really what i need to do is just sit in Him, be with Him, and actually talk to Him without an agenda. i told her (my mantra) if I believe that God is who He says He is and takes care of us and works everything out for my good, I can't go living like I don't believe it. so this weekend needs to be full of Him, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid He's going to tell me to quit my job and live for Him - I don't know how to do that. I know that I need him and the more I strive for things I don't have and kill myself at my job, I'm reminded of that ocean storm thing. my life is going down the drain. the more i leave him out of my life, the more pointless it gets. now if i could only apply that knowledge to my life and my heart - i'd be good.

spiritual warfare?

there is something in my room. A while ago, I had the feeling that this room, this house, was impenetrable by negative forces. Once I left the house, I was fair game, but inside the house I was protected. That night, the night I prayed, I slept and had the most wonderful Spirit-led dreams. At 4:21 a.m. I woke up terrified. Childishly, irrationally terrified. I just knew there was something in the room, next to my bed. I finally got back to sleep, and again I had wonderful dreams. But as I was drifting off/waking up (I can't remember which), I asked God why he let the dark thing come into my room, and I think they responded that it was to remind me.

I think it was to remind me that, without the dark, I cease to be a productive human and a growing Christian. I get complacent. I don't follow my dreams or desires. (I dreamt I was writing! I haven't written in ages, and I was writing and felt whole in only the way I do after creating something.) I can't drown in the darkness, but it has to be there to give me leverage so that I can swim.

Spiritual warfare on this island is intense. I think for a while God let me get battered, to teach me to trust myself and trust my relationship with them. Spiritual warfare in Africa is probably going to be more intense, so I'm viewing this as preparation. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job.

And, I have to add, that this is one reason why I have been shying away from prayer. Prayer is powerful. Things happen when you pray. That used to excite me but now it just makes me tired. God wants me to be ever changing and growing, and they're trying to prepare me for this future that I (in my ignorance...er, idealism) asked them for, and I just want to avoid it and go to sleep. Is this wrong? It feels really wrong. Funny, but wrong.

for starters

Hey,

So remember over a year ago when we were talking about doing Bible studies online?

I have been in absentia with God lately. I avoid them at every possible moment. The other night, I finally prayed deliberately (not just the little everyday communication) for the first time in a while, and while I was scrambling for things to say, I felt like God was saying "it's okay, just be with me."

I told Beebs a few weeks ago that I need some sort of spiritual support, because of how much I feel like avoiding God, and if I know that there are people around who love God and love each other and that I trust, maybe I'll feel a little more comfortable being with God. And I always learn from you guys. So what do you think?

D