Thursday, March 10, 2011
maybe, as part of this whole lent thing, i just need to feel the separation. Maybe part of it is learning, again, how to live in this uncomfortable place between who I want to be and who I am in reality. Honestly it's been a long time since I've given in to sadness and disappointment in myself and life. I don't remember it being this unnerving. But, it is. This limbo between two worlds. So maybe I need to be reminded of that. I know God has good reason why, I just hope They share that reason with me at some point. Preferably while I'm still alive. Preferably soon.
today is day 2 of lent. Or day one. Whatever. Yesterday I was full of joy and possibility, and today I just feel like an ick of a human being.
I've been talking to Mitch, through e-mail, and he insists he wasn't in love with Jessi. And he apologized for treating me so badly. I wish he was in love with her. I still think he might be, but if he wasn't then that means he just treated me badly for no reason. Or, because of me. That hurts more than anything. What is it in me that makes people hate me sometimes?
Today I have very little hope left in these bones. I've been slogging through the tough times with a smile on my face, looking for that next bright patch of life, and I'm just tired. I'm a failure. At 30, I'm just a nobody failure. I don't even have humor about life right now. Just sadness. I've done so many things wrong. And I have nothing to show for the things I thought I did right.
God is good and beautiful and sanctifying. And not only do I feel cast aside, but I feel like I'm clamoring for Their voice and guidance and approval and that I've been ignored. During all those hard times I did reach out for God, I did try, I held on (did I really?), and received nothing but more hard times. No soft words or comfort or Bright Shining Love. Just more mud, more slogging, more cotton-headed blurriness of a future. I tried. I tried to follow and make the moves I thought God wanted me to make. I tried, and I failed. Consistently. And I feel like an androgynous overweight judgmental gross shadow of a person.
I've been talking to Mitch, through e-mail, and he insists he wasn't in love with Jessi. And he apologized for treating me so badly. I wish he was in love with her. I still think he might be, but if he wasn't then that means he just treated me badly for no reason. Or, because of me. That hurts more than anything. What is it in me that makes people hate me sometimes?
Today I have very little hope left in these bones. I've been slogging through the tough times with a smile on my face, looking for that next bright patch of life, and I'm just tired. I'm a failure. At 30, I'm just a nobody failure. I don't even have humor about life right now. Just sadness. I've done so many things wrong. And I have nothing to show for the things I thought I did right.
God is good and beautiful and sanctifying. And not only do I feel cast aside, but I feel like I'm clamoring for Their voice and guidance and approval and that I've been ignored. During all those hard times I did reach out for God, I did try, I held on (did I really?), and received nothing but more hard times. No soft words or comfort or Bright Shining Love. Just more mud, more slogging, more cotton-headed blurriness of a future. I tried. I tried to follow and make the moves I thought God wanted me to make. I tried, and I failed. Consistently. And I feel like an androgynous overweight judgmental gross shadow of a person.
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