i thought i had things to say. Don't know if I do. Sorry for waking you, Beebs, just was thinking of you and wanted to let you know I love you.

One of the reasons I check in with myself less often than before is because I'm scared of how sadness has grown inside of me. I'm always everyone's cheerleader, and I just can't be anymore--and there's no one to really cheer for me. Could be because I'm proud. About a year ago, though, I told 2 people that I needed them--that the walls were closing in around me and I needed someone to come pull me out of this hole--and neither of them came. So forgive me if asking for help is something I don't believe in anymore. I'm still here, only by the grace of God, and all of those little mental/emotional breakdowns I had only helped to keep my overall sanity. None of them actually broke me.

Funny thing is that tonight is Beautiful. Outside, the city is all movement that I can't hear. Black ocean. Plumeria breeze. Silent sleeping mountains and starlight. And, inside, I have clean laundry and Ojan in my hair and had a good day. I feel okay. Except my foot won't stop aching.

It's okay that life hasn't turned out how I expected it to. This is what following means, isn't it? Keep things in mind but be open to leading that draws you to new places. Even if that means rarely buying clothes, or new glasses, or doctor's visits. Or even a fucking nice candle.

I know that I am where I'm supposed to be. I love it. I know, too, that what I'm ignoring (other than the gaping sadness) is this overwhelming need to be loved. My life is colored by independence and self reliance. Since childhood, I was the one protecting and caring for Me. It's hard for me to let go of any of that, for obvious reasons that I know you understand. We've talked about that before. But still, I grow tired. And I'm not about to compromise who I want, not even edging into 29 years where people tell me all the good men are taken by now. But I still want.

It's late now. I should go to bed and stop thinking. This is why I don't check in with myself much anymore. It snowballs. I know I will find love.

something's going on today and i don't know what it is. my spirit is unsettled and i'm paranoid and craving shawn. usually i would say that this is hormones but i think it may be spiritual. i'm going to the Good Friday service tonight with a friend. i think it will be good, but it's the first time in a while that i've been to church and that has me a little on edge.

then there's this guy that is visiting from California that is staying with the friend that i'm going to church with and i find myself wanting him to like me. and it bothers me. i want to be that girl that's just friends with everybody like i was before. completely oblivious to the guys that are interested until they approach me and beautiful because i'm happy regardless of size and stature. so i'm working on that.

i've been looking for good friends here lately. i feel like i'm surrounded by imposters and counterfeits. like i'll never have close friends here that i can depend on. although i do have a lot. i always forget that they are there.

one huge thing that i've noticed and i continue to struggele with is the feeling that my life is full of counterfeits right now. part of me knows that it's my fault and the other part is looking for someone to blame. i wanted a boyfriend - a committed relationship and i got a bootycall. i wanted to close friends that i could trust but i got party friends that talk about each other behind their backs. i wanted a career in counseling and i got a career in office supplies. nothing is as it should be right now. i think part of the problem is that everywhere i turn, i see my faults as clear as day. so i think that the problems that i'm having with others right now are a reflection of the things that i see but don't like in myself. things that need to change.

hmm...so that's that for right now. my heart and mind are a little more quiet now.