So i went and bought the Kirk Franklin cd. FINALLY. After months of putting it off. OMG!! It was so worth it and speaks exactly to where I am right now in my relationship (or lack thereof) with God. It's amazing to think of where I used to be and where I am now. I'm almost back to the beaten path but now I'm a little weary. I'm not skipping and excited to get where I'm going. I'm just tired and now I have a walking stick to help clear the path and push back the foliage that keeps threatening to smack me in the face. A few good branches have gotten me good but I'm on the lookout for shenanigans now.

Lately I've been feeling like I should be fasting. From so many things. Men. Food. My phone. TV. Secular radio. Secular books. But I haven't done it. In fact, I've been wrapped up and thoroughly enthralled in said addictions. I just realized yesterday (well, i realized it before but let myself admit it yesterday) that all of these things are gods in my life. I'm torn between them and the real thing. It's eating me up inside. I'm in a constant state of discontent.

So back to Kirk (Franklin, not Cameron). There's this song on his cd called A God Like You. It hit me. Like bricks falling off a 4-story balcony. That all these gods were keeping me from focusing and truly living up to the plan that God has for me. I've felt for years that I was living a counterfeit life, but I thought it had to do with a particular person and not because I'd chosen counterfeit gods to lead my life. But I see it now.

So that being said, I've started turning them away and getting back to where I need to be. It's not easy. At all. Because as much as I want what God has for me - the real, I always panic and settle for the least. Which is no good. So during what some might call a "psychotic/emotional break" I let go of Seri for good. Then drank and cried my way through the rest of the weekend. The next one will either be the phone or the alcohol. We'll see. It's a pain in the ass but so freeing at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiemOD9wEWs

My favorite lines are:
"Healer, Father, Savior. Counselor, Friend, Provider. Was, is and forever. That's why I just want to be where you are. I'd travel life with You no matter how far."

Even though I'm so far away and not living like I need to, it's so true. No matter how far I stray I'd still travel life with God - the true God - no matter how far. And even if I end up being tortured like Paul or sentenced to a terrible death like Peter...I'd rather travel that WITH Him, than without Him.

...rehab...

Today begins my first day of rehab; rehabilitation of my mind, body and soul. I could feel it this week - the allusion that this was my last weekend to be just like everyone else. I had the chance to sleep with who I liked, go where I liked, drink what I liked but that's gone now. Not only is the feeling gone but I'm painfully aware of my shortcomings - in a "God fix me" sort of way. I've been walking conviction for weeks, now it's time to anty up.

Right now, I'm following my heart. I'm turning them loose - the things that I use to soothe my soul. Men: the smell and feel of them on me, in me, around me; past loves: the pain of love lost and the last little bit of clinging on that comes with defeat and realization that they were never yours; and alcohol: the soothing burn of strong drink as it pours down your throat, the tingle of skin and limbs as the poison courses through your body numbing you to pain and the reality of loss. I'm giving them up - and it's going to suck. I'm addicted to not feeling and not being honest with myself and others about my present state of mind.

The seemingly innocent text from Seri last night brought to my attention how far I've come and yet how easy it would be to fall back into that death. And I can't do it. Atlanta will not be another Chicago for me whether in love, spirit or life. I refuse. God, please help me get through this. To keep my eyes on You and never lose my focus. I feel like this is so dire. Like this is my last chance to truly throw all of my trust in You.