i'm tired. i just went on a mini tirade about being independent but i erased it. it's not worth being said. i need rest and i'm taking the weekend to get it. i'm turning off my phone, the tv, the radio and just spending time with me. i need it. i can't hear myself think here lately. i think the only reason that i know i'm sad half the time is because my body cries to release the tension that my mind hasn't acknowledged.

i'm still sad. but most of the time it's ok. there are different reasons each time - none of them pertaining to him but at the same time completely rolled up in him. at first it was the "i can't believe you chose her over me" cry which translates into "i'll never be good enough". then there was the "glad i could be a dick house for you on occasion" cry which translates into "can't believe i let you use me". lately there's been the "i'm going to have to suck it up and take care of myself forever" cry. this one has not been so bad. it's actually allowed me to heal for the most part and just realize that nothing else has to be said, i don't owe explanations, i don't have to take anyone else into consideration. i am who i am and i'm going to do what i need to do to make it.

i'm independent.

that means that i fight for myself. i take responsibility for myself. i pick myself up when i fall. i comfort myself when i'm hurting. i treat myself to dinner, a movie and some good loving afterwards.

i was looking down the cliff on this and thinking that life was just over without someone to share everything with. but it's not true. i share these things with someone every day. i lean on someone every day. i fight side-by-side with someone every day.

i may feel alone sometimes and that's ok.
i may long to be held sometimes and that's ok.
i may want someone to fight for me sometimes and that's ok.
i may just need a break from life sometimes and that's ok.

i have to do what's best for me at all times. other people's opinions be damned.

first, it's funny how alike we are. On this blog, I often think that your entries are mine (except for the baby ones... I KNOW those aren't mine.) and mine are yours. Like the "life's purpose" one below, I forgot about it and was like "jeez kibibi thinks just like me" and then I saw the baby one and the beginning (independent) is just like me and so I thought I wrote it. Funny.

You are going to be ridiculously sexy, goddess, when you get to Hawai'i. Burned lips and all. I must warn you that I've gained weight.

I battle with the make-room-or-don't-make-room question all the time. A part of me embodies the song Landslide because I almost don't want to change or grow too much, just so that my future husband will know all these different sides of me. And if I let go of them, then he won't see them. Which is silly for a woman who always wants to be complete without another human being, who wants to work on herself CONSTANTLY to the point of insanity sometimes. But still, we all have our own small, secret treasures that we hold on to. Mine is a hope for a man that knows me, even the parts of me that I have to let go of.

So I think we just live our lives to the best of our abilities. And some days we make room, and other days we live in the space of just that day, and in the end it'll all turn out the way it's meant to.

There's a Buddhist saying that Life is perfect. As in, all of those so-called mistakes were actually a pattern in your life's fabric that was meant to be. Everything happens as it should--including our hesitations, our uncertainties, our "oh-if-only-i-knew" moments. And I think that our faith has room for this belief, too. When I heard it, it was a final succinct way to put how I felt--if I'm in the palm of my Father's hand, then nothing can go wrong. Thankfully, God is magnificent enough to cover all of my wandering ways and short-sightedness. So, I say (to myself, above all): Choose, Go, and Make adjustments as needed.

the truth i don't want to say

is that my life's purpose has always been God. And I'm tired of God.

No excuses.

i have baby fever. and i want to be married. right now. crazy, eh? yep, i know. i hate it. i don't understand what i'm supposed to do with this. part of me thinks that i should start preparing my life to add someone new to it and the other part of me says that i need to live my life as though no one will ever come and i can make room when there is cause to do so. what do you think?

recently, the word "independent" has been used to describe me. it's crazy to me. i feel like all i do is depend on other people. like that's really what i go to work and do - depend. it's so weird and annoying. apparently, i don't see myself as others see me - physically or emotionally.

i lost myself for a while there. i'm trying to get it back but it's a long road to get there. life is funny. no matter how many times you fall you still can get up but somehow you never get up in the same place where you fell. you're either a few paces forward or back but never in that same place. it reminds me of that saying by Heraclitus (I believe) "you never step in the same river twice". so true.

so here i am trying to get up several paces forward from the place where i fell - a new woman. i don't know if i can do it but i'm trying and well - that's all i can do right?

i am a perpetual Debbie Downer these days and i hate it. i was always the social butterfly. i could be completely wasted and remember everyone's names at the party, who they were dating, what problems they were having, and know their stances on God, life and love. these days i'm the wallflower. i still have fun and enjoy hanging out but i don't want to mess up. i don't want to step too far away from myself in case i get too carefree. i hate it.

my life is stale.

i don't remember why i'm here anymore. i don't even remember who i am anymore. what my principles are. my moral convictions. every time i turn around i'm compromising some new part of myself that i'm finding really was intact although i thought it was broken. i hate that too.

saturday night i stopped at a gas station off of austin on my way home and bought some cigarettes. i ran out at a party and just didn't want to buy any in the city. anyways, i digress. the whole point is that on my way home i realized that i have a disease. a serious disease that i haven't taken care of at all. in fact, i stopped going to the doctor. for some reason as i was pulling into the gas station, i thought, "i wonder how smoking affects my thyroid." so of course i went online and checked it out. holy crap. i have hashimoto's disease. i knew that (kinda) and i knew how serious it was (kinda) but really? holy shit. my body is destroying my thyroid. he (the doctor) made it seem like i had all the time in the world (5 years) to get it together. to fix it. try things that would make me ok. but he lied. i really shouldn't wait 5 years.

one positive of this situation is that i understand so many things now. why i act the way i do. looking back i can tell when i was having a thyroid episode and when i was just being a brat. it makes sense that i'm always tired, my head is always itchy, my skin is always dry. why i've always had the feeling that something was desperately wrong with me. that i was born with tragedy in my soul. things i've wondered about but never knew the answer for. for that i'm grateful.

the freak out was inevitable. and i haven't really allowed it anywhere but here. my safe place to just be sad and just let my soul cry. i'll be fine tomorrow. but today i'm just in shock. my heart is so heavy.

i thought i had things to say. Don't know if I do. Sorry for waking you, Beebs, just was thinking of you and wanted to let you know I love you.

One of the reasons I check in with myself less often than before is because I'm scared of how sadness has grown inside of me. I'm always everyone's cheerleader, and I just can't be anymore--and there's no one to really cheer for me. Could be because I'm proud. About a year ago, though, I told 2 people that I needed them--that the walls were closing in around me and I needed someone to come pull me out of this hole--and neither of them came. So forgive me if asking for help is something I don't believe in anymore. I'm still here, only by the grace of God, and all of those little mental/emotional breakdowns I had only helped to keep my overall sanity. None of them actually broke me.

Funny thing is that tonight is Beautiful. Outside, the city is all movement that I can't hear. Black ocean. Plumeria breeze. Silent sleeping mountains and starlight. And, inside, I have clean laundry and Ojan in my hair and had a good day. I feel okay. Except my foot won't stop aching.

It's okay that life hasn't turned out how I expected it to. This is what following means, isn't it? Keep things in mind but be open to leading that draws you to new places. Even if that means rarely buying clothes, or new glasses, or doctor's visits. Or even a fucking nice candle.

I know that I am where I'm supposed to be. I love it. I know, too, that what I'm ignoring (other than the gaping sadness) is this overwhelming need to be loved. My life is colored by independence and self reliance. Since childhood, I was the one protecting and caring for Me. It's hard for me to let go of any of that, for obvious reasons that I know you understand. We've talked about that before. But still, I grow tired. And I'm not about to compromise who I want, not even edging into 29 years where people tell me all the good men are taken by now. But I still want.

It's late now. I should go to bed and stop thinking. This is why I don't check in with myself much anymore. It snowballs. I know I will find love.

something's going on today and i don't know what it is. my spirit is unsettled and i'm paranoid and craving shawn. usually i would say that this is hormones but i think it may be spiritual. i'm going to the Good Friday service tonight with a friend. i think it will be good, but it's the first time in a while that i've been to church and that has me a little on edge.

then there's this guy that is visiting from California that is staying with the friend that i'm going to church with and i find myself wanting him to like me. and it bothers me. i want to be that girl that's just friends with everybody like i was before. completely oblivious to the guys that are interested until they approach me and beautiful because i'm happy regardless of size and stature. so i'm working on that.

i've been looking for good friends here lately. i feel like i'm surrounded by imposters and counterfeits. like i'll never have close friends here that i can depend on. although i do have a lot. i always forget that they are there.

one huge thing that i've noticed and i continue to struggele with is the feeling that my life is full of counterfeits right now. part of me knows that it's my fault and the other part is looking for someone to blame. i wanted a boyfriend - a committed relationship and i got a bootycall. i wanted to close friends that i could trust but i got party friends that talk about each other behind their backs. i wanted a career in counseling and i got a career in office supplies. nothing is as it should be right now. i think part of the problem is that everywhere i turn, i see my faults as clear as day. so i think that the problems that i'm having with others right now are a reflection of the things that i see but don't like in myself. things that need to change.

hmm...so that's that for right now. my heart and mind are a little more quiet now.

i don't know if i have much to say.

I waver between understanding and hopelessness. Some days, my spirit is settled into my body and I am settled into my life and everything is expectantly, frighteningly in place. Other days, I look at branches hanging over ravines and want to grab onto them and swing across, knowing they'd break on me. Those days, the loneliness is overwhelming and I am just tired. Weary. Life is overwhelming. I know, from talking to people, that I am not alone. My good friend and I joked about it the other day--how she wants to crawl out of her window on the 20th floor, what she would do, how everyone would understand. Women that I never thought would feel this way are feeling this way. Not that, in reality, we would act on it. I wouldn't, I hope. Just that there's a weariness in our bones.

It feels odd to write this today, when I feel far removed from my desperation. Today I feel like life is just moving, that I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

Beebs, how are you??

cleansing

dear god..why are raccoons so angry?
your so,
ron

bleeding out, day 2

the saga continues.

Today is overload. Too much blood, too much of a heavy head, too much nausea. I believe the body reacts to the spirit. I believe that when we go through things, they are reflected in the body. And I'm trying to figure out what, exactly, my body is reacting to. I know I made a commitment--to my purpose, to my body, to God--and maybe that's just it. I feel like my body is sloughing off all of the sickness and trauma of the past 3 years. Enough to make me want to curl into the fetal position, just because of the weight. I know that I've let go of a lot, too. Of the brokenness caused by a relationship gone very, very wrong; of my indignant attitude towards things that happened TO me, of the rape, of disappointment and disillusionment. I've let go of a lot, and decided not to be a child and to be an adult. Maybe this is my body's way of growing up. But, man, it hurts. Even my legs are sore. I just gotta go through it, and be present in my body.

amazing things are happening--again, still, finally. I blessed my room and myself and my body is functioning. I am healed. God is in this place, and in me. I feel whole and strong and terrifying like I should be. I feel my purpose, and the ability to achieve it.

Sometimes, when women let things go in their spirit or come to divine realizations, they get their period. Mine came 2 weeks early and I was trying to figure out why, what physically caused it. But I realized that it wasn't physical. When I was on the mainland I came to certain conclusions and realizations and asked God for physical signs of those changes. It took a while for the realizations to soak into me and solidify. They are solid now, though. And so I bleed. All the sickness that was in my body is coming out, is being sloughed off. This body is a temple that carries my spirit in the world--my spirit is sanctified and so, too, is my body. There isn't room for sickness in a holy place. There isn't room for filler when there's so much good.

Things aren't changing--they have changed. Things have solidified and I am just catching up to them.