being with scott changed something in me. And, even though he's out of my life now, that change has stayed. I was just thinking about getting drunk, and how I did this weekend but before that it had been at least a month. I just don't want to anymore. I don't feel as frantic, as grasping, as before. I don't feel like I have to run from thing to thing without rest. I don't feel like I have to be something I'm not.

I am more settled into myself. Even though my life is always, always crazy--I feel rooted, feet firmly planted. It's funny because there wasn't anything stable about Scott except for his rhetoric. Once he came back from California it was all a roller coaster. It was exhausting keeping up with his moods, waiting for him to prove good on his word, trying to bolster his fragile male ego. But somewhere in the mix I found myself acting like myself again. I found the ability to be affectionate again, to be sweet without sacrificing honesty (most of the time), and to be involved in my own life. I lost the frantic, the bitter, the denial part of me.

Things with Scott were not good. Not after the initial stage. But good came out of it, and somehow being with him gave me myself. If that makes sense.