sitting in a meeting today, i could feel myself getting sooo angry. about missed opportunities, people living for themselves, people giving me what they feel is the worst of things... my face was flushed and all i kept thinking was that i needed to have a "meeting" with a few people and go tell my friend about all of the bad things that were happening to me. as i was sitting there feeding the rage in my mind, a tiny thought burst through that wondered why i was getting so angry over something that i'd already dealt with? it was over and done. given to God. i needed to let it go. i quiet stormed back to my desk and thought for a little, then went to talk to my friend because i'd figured it out: my spirit was off. i wasn't me. i was in turmoil...like those big swirly things they always show in an ocean storm on cartoons that drags a boat down under the water in circles. i'm at a loss for words right now as to what that's called. but you get the point. i told her that i just needed to spend my weekend with God. even if it just meant listening to gospel music (cop out) because i was losing myself. really what i need to do is just sit in Him, be with Him, and actually talk to Him without an agenda. i told her (my mantra) if I believe that God is who He says He is and takes care of us and works everything out for my good, I can't go living like I don't believe it. so this weekend needs to be full of Him, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid He's going to tell me to quit my job and live for Him - I don't know how to do that. I know that I need him and the more I strive for things I don't have and kill myself at my job, I'm reminded of that ocean storm thing. my life is going down the drain. the more i leave him out of my life, the more pointless it gets. now if i could only apply that knowledge to my life and my heart - i'd be good.

spiritual warfare?

there is something in my room. A while ago, I had the feeling that this room, this house, was impenetrable by negative forces. Once I left the house, I was fair game, but inside the house I was protected. That night, the night I prayed, I slept and had the most wonderful Spirit-led dreams. At 4:21 a.m. I woke up terrified. Childishly, irrationally terrified. I just knew there was something in the room, next to my bed. I finally got back to sleep, and again I had wonderful dreams. But as I was drifting off/waking up (I can't remember which), I asked God why he let the dark thing come into my room, and I think they responded that it was to remind me.

I think it was to remind me that, without the dark, I cease to be a productive human and a growing Christian. I get complacent. I don't follow my dreams or desires. (I dreamt I was writing! I haven't written in ages, and I was writing and felt whole in only the way I do after creating something.) I can't drown in the darkness, but it has to be there to give me leverage so that I can swim.

Spiritual warfare on this island is intense. I think for a while God let me get battered, to teach me to trust myself and trust my relationship with them. Spiritual warfare in Africa is probably going to be more intense, so I'm viewing this as preparation. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job.

And, I have to add, that this is one reason why I have been shying away from prayer. Prayer is powerful. Things happen when you pray. That used to excite me but now it just makes me tired. God wants me to be ever changing and growing, and they're trying to prepare me for this future that I (in my ignorance...er, idealism) asked them for, and I just want to avoid it and go to sleep. Is this wrong? It feels really wrong. Funny, but wrong.

for starters

Hey,

So remember over a year ago when we were talking about doing Bible studies online?

I have been in absentia with God lately. I avoid them at every possible moment. The other night, I finally prayed deliberately (not just the little everyday communication) for the first time in a while, and while I was scrambling for things to say, I felt like God was saying "it's okay, just be with me."

I told Beebs a few weeks ago that I need some sort of spiritual support, because of how much I feel like avoiding God, and if I know that there are people around who love God and love each other and that I trust, maybe I'll feel a little more comfortable being with God. And I always learn from you guys. So what do you think?

D