Hungry

I'd decided to fast because I wanted to please God, and felt like it was time to be refined. Fasting seemed like the perfect way to mark the transition. For some reason, 7 days stuck in my head. I remember when 3 days was hard for me, back when I would fast on a whim and drink V8 and pray.

The fast: during the 7 days, it sucked. I woke every morning and annointed myself (each time I did, the word "consecration" would pop into my head) and sat on my lanai and prayed and read a part of the Bible. It felt less than magical. It felt almost like nothing--dull, rote, uninspired--but I'd commited so I did it. I tried to have a good attitude, but I didn't. I wanted to give up, but each time I'd pray and tell God "please let this show you that I take us, that I take you and me, seriously." If all that came of the fast was that God (and myself) knew I took our relationship seriously, that was enough for me.

It wasn't really until I was done that anything shifted in my spirit. During the fast I felt like I was surrounded by fog, that there was a thick sticky substance that kept me from reaching God and kept God's word from getting to me with any clarity. But today, after eating (food is the greatest thing EVER!), the world seems clearer, and so does what I want.

This morning I had my first breakthrough since I started fasting: I have not been a good friend to God. I used to be, we were best friends. But lately, I've been a really, really crappy friend to God. I want to be better. I feel like I'm getting the clean start that I wanted. And, after fasting, I feel like I've proven to myself that I still know how to follow through.

I am deciding, today (and each morning) to turn my life towards God.

i have a confession. I've had the crappiest attitude ever the last 2 days. I'm doing this cleanse for spiritual purposes, mostly, and I'm discouraged and grumpy as all get out. I keep focusing on the bad, on how tired I am or how much I want to eat, rather than praying or thinking positive thoughts. God loves a cheerful giver, right? And I'm trying to give of myself. But I just want to curl up and sleep all the time.

today i feel better, but i didn't go to church. i have no spiritual stimuli at all right now. and i'm becoming more dependent on people, which sucks. yeah, not really liking myself right now. i'm just not satisfied. that's all. i need a better life. i need to leave work earlier and live a little. i need to make sure that i'm doing what i'm supposed to do when i need to do it. i need to keep God first. i need to decide if i want to go on a date. i complain about not going but when someone wants to take me, i brush it off. what's wrong with me? i wish i could step out of my skin for a while and sit and contemplate and fix myself. my heart aches and my body rebels. God woke me up this morning and i ignored him. my heart is barely willing right now. just barely. i'm hanging by a thread of faith. it's good times.