amazing things are happening--again, still, finally. I blessed my room and myself and my body is functioning. I am healed. God is in this place, and in me. I feel whole and strong and terrifying like I should be. I feel my purpose, and the ability to achieve it.

Sometimes, when women let things go in their spirit or come to divine realizations, they get their period. Mine came 2 weeks early and I was trying to figure out why, what physically caused it. But I realized that it wasn't physical. When I was on the mainland I came to certain conclusions and realizations and asked God for physical signs of those changes. It took a while for the realizations to soak into me and solidify. They are solid now, though. And so I bleed. All the sickness that was in my body is coming out, is being sloughed off. This body is a temple that carries my spirit in the world--my spirit is sanctified and so, too, is my body. There isn't room for sickness in a holy place. There isn't room for filler when there's so much good.

Things aren't changing--they have changed. Things have solidified and I am just catching up to them.

today...

today is rainy and sedated and crazy sad weather feeling. at least it should be crazy sad weather feeling. today is actually great. i feel light and airy and good. just deep, down, solid good. and just...happy. nothing exciting has happened to me lately, but i think i've finally done it. i've finally let go and just allowed myself to be. and that just feels good. the only that could have made it better is if i would have talked to God. but that's my fault.

funny that you thought i'd written somehting. i'd started to, but then erased it.

i'm not ok either. i'm really emotional right now and shawn is not helping that at all. he makes me feel crazy. and although i know i'm not, that's a huge insecurity for me because i don't want to be that needy girl. that clingy girl. you know the one... so i've tried my very hardest to be completely logical with him and not emotional. and although the emotions break through sometimes, i've kept it pretty low with him.

spiritual things are kind of in the back of my mind right now. i keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye, but nothing that i can pinpoint exactly. last night there was a huge black thing crawling above the window i've been smoking out of. yep, i've started smoking again. and it sucks. i don't even like it anymore - it's just something to do.

eating has been awful. i either don't eat enough or i eat too much. i think it's cancelling out though cause i havne't lost or gained any weight. so that's good. i'm going to start running again here soon so that should jumpstart more weight loss. i'm still getting used to being a size smaller. it's so weird to me. almost like i'm just fooling myself and it didn't really happen.

today i got my handwriting analyzed. amazing. i love stuff like that. it was really freaky how exact it was. and the woman that did it kind of knows me but doesn't know me that well. so it's not like she was just trying to make me feel better about myself. i have a lot of good traits that i didn't realize that i had. i mean, i knew them inherently, but as she saying them and asking me about them, i realized that i'm a great friend and a good person for the most part. everyone has flaws but mostly, people should be proud to know me. my biggest flaw that she found was low self-esteem. she said that i'm too hard on myself, i'm perfectionistic, and need to lighten up on myself and not be so hard on myself. so i'm going to work on that. i don't exactly know how to fix it, but i know that i need to fix it if i'm ever going to pull myself together, get back in school, and just live a better life. she said that i'm never happy with myself - which is so true. when people say good things about me, i can't believe it. i can't believe that they are talking about me. i can't grasp that they really think that i'm a good person. why? i don't know. i don't get it.

one thing she said that spoke to me as if God were in the room is that i underestimate myself to the point that i undermine my own existence. like i undermine the reason that God put me here to begin with. she said that i'll never really fulfill my purpose if i don't let go of my self-criticism. (most of that is my words - she was more objective than that) - but that's it for the most part.

and that's how i'm doing...

oh gosh i forgot about that last post. I actually thought it was Beebs' and I was all interested while reading it, thinking "Me too!", until I realized that it was mine. Weird.

Restart: I am not okay.

Things are not okay. My life is not okay. I am not comfortable with where I am, with who I am, with what I want. I don't even know what I want. But, I know it's not this. I know, too, I don't want to be this person. I don't like this person: I keep reaching to the surface, pulling myself up, recognizing the now. I like diving down, I like settling in and sifting through myself, I like being deeper in moments than I am supposed to be. I like that side of me, and I don't have it anymore.

I'm sure that I'm around here somewhere, buried under the surface. I'm sure that I haven't misplaced myself completely. I am sure that I've lost myself so that, when I find myself, I'll be in a new and wonderful place that I couldn't have gotten to consciously. I'm sure of these things, kind of.

I like being a child of God. I like finding God in unexpected, ordinary places. Walking side by side with God, through the mundane and the extraordinary places, is my absolute favorite thing about being a human. Not that you could tell, lately. There is nothing that you could point to in my day that would let you in on that fact. Lately, I am a grasping and uncertain spirit. And somehow I've kept it expertly hidden because no one out here would tell you that about me.

I need myself back. I miss me. I need to regain my footing.

last night was so strange i have to write about it. Some of it may have been in my head, and none of it may mean anything, but I have to put it down so I can think about it later.

While I was falling asleep, I turned over and saw the silhouette of someone in my room. A man. It was strange, because I SAW him. Normally, when I "see" things, they're fuzzy images, or mostly I just know that they're there. But this time, it was crystal clear, an outline of a man standing in front of my curtains, away from my bed. I looked back and he was gone. I rolled over and fell asleep.

I was exhausted last night, and couldn't stay awake even though I had so so much to do. But, all night long, I did spiritual warfare. But, again, nothing like I normally do. Normally, I wake up off and on during the night and know that my spirit is talking to God. It's comforting, edifying, and it builds me up. This time, it was scary, violent, and felt real. I dreamt I walked into a house and this ball of mist came up to me (I was with my mom) and tried to hurt us. It turned into a clear ball and hovered near my face and I was trying to say "In the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, I command you to leave" or something like that, and I couldn't speak. My mouth wouldn't move, my lungs wouldn't work, nothing came out. I tried and tried and tried and finally I was able to get it out and make the thing leave.

Mostly, I was praying my was through this old house, trying to teach my family how to do it too, but they wouldn't even try they just relied on me. Once, I was pinned to the floor and there was a huge (HUGE) spider. My mom was too afraid to even shoo it away and, since I was pinned, it used its razor-sharp legs to rip my cheek apart, until I broke free of whatever was holding me down and chased it away. Then, I scolded my mom.

When I woke up, I felt sick. I've been sick since the beginning of November: strep, pneumonia, etc. I felt sicker than I have, and in my sleepy state, I realized the spirit I'd been fighting was the spirit of sickness. That it'd taken over my body and I was trying to kick it out.

I still feel really sick. It's early in the morning, though, so we'll see how it progresses. I have too much to do.

If you have any insight on the weirdness of last night, please pass it on...

being with scott changed something in me. And, even though he's out of my life now, that change has stayed. I was just thinking about getting drunk, and how I did this weekend but before that it had been at least a month. I just don't want to anymore. I don't feel as frantic, as grasping, as before. I don't feel like I have to run from thing to thing without rest. I don't feel like I have to be something I'm not.

I am more settled into myself. Even though my life is always, always crazy--I feel rooted, feet firmly planted. It's funny because there wasn't anything stable about Scott except for his rhetoric. Once he came back from California it was all a roller coaster. It was exhausting keeping up with his moods, waiting for him to prove good on his word, trying to bolster his fragile male ego. But somewhere in the mix I found myself acting like myself again. I found the ability to be affectionate again, to be sweet without sacrificing honesty (most of the time), and to be involved in my own life. I lost the frantic, the bitter, the denial part of me.

Things with Scott were not good. Not after the initial stage. But good came out of it, and somehow being with him gave me myself. If that makes sense.

So, my soul wants to say something. but it's not clear. it hasn't been for a while. i've been stuffing it deep down inside of me for months now. i'm no closer to God than I was in august. i might even venture to say that i'm as far away from him as i was years ago when i had the worst summer of my entire life. this time i'm making my own bed and hoping to lie in it. although i know it's going to hurt and suck, i'm just being so selfish and wanting to do what i want when i want and how i want. not giving much of a care into whether it's going to hurt anyone else and whether my heart can really recover from it. i hate to say it, but i don't think it can. the love i want and need can only come from god and i'm being a puss. i'm wooking pa nub in all da wong paces, as buckwheat would say. and i know it's going to hurt. but right now i want to know that i'm attractive. that i'm wanted. that i'm desired more than i want to know that i'm virtuous and pretty on the inside. what does that get you, you know? i don't know. i'm tired again. tired of being the one that always does the right thing. that can barely relate because i slipped up years ago on some offense that most people don't even see as an offense. i'm tired of being the one that people whisper around because they don't want to say the wrong thing. i'm tired of seeing people get the things i'm yearning for, but i get passed over. i'm tired of continuously questioning myself. i'm tired of not being good enough. tired.