today i feel better, but i didn't go to church. i have no spiritual stimuli at all right now. and i'm becoming more dependent on people, which sucks. yeah, not really liking myself right now. i'm just not satisfied. that's all. i need a better life. i need to leave work earlier and live a little. i need to make sure that i'm doing what i'm supposed to do when i need to do it. i need to keep God first. i need to decide if i want to go on a date. i complain about not going but when someone wants to take me, i brush it off. what's wrong with me? i wish i could step out of my skin for a while and sit and contemplate and fix myself. my heart aches and my body rebels. God woke me up this morning and i ignored him. my heart is barely willing right now. just barely. i'm hanging by a thread of faith. it's good times.