Today begins my first day of rehab; rehabilitation of my mind, body and soul. I could feel it this week - the allusion that this was my last weekend to be just like everyone else. I had the chance to sleep with who I liked, go where I liked, drink what I liked but that's gone now. Not only is the feeling gone but I'm painfully aware of my shortcomings - in a "God fix me" sort of way. I've been walking conviction for weeks, now it's time to anty up.
Right now, I'm following my heart. I'm turning them loose - the things that I use to soothe my soul. Men: the smell and feel of them on me, in me, around me; past loves: the pain of love lost and the last little bit of clinging on that comes with defeat and realization that they were never yours; and alcohol: the soothing burn of strong drink as it pours down your throat, the tingle of skin and limbs as the poison courses through your body numbing you to pain and the reality of loss. I'm giving them up - and it's going to suck. I'm addicted to not feeling and not being honest with myself and others about my present state of mind.
The seemingly innocent text from Seri last night brought to my attention how far I've come and yet how easy it would be to fall back into that death. And I can't do it. Atlanta will not be another Chicago for me whether in love, spirit or life. I refuse. God, please help me get through this. To keep my eyes on You and never lose my focus. I feel like this is so dire. Like this is my last chance to truly throw all of my trust in You.
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