oh gosh i forgot about that last post. I actually thought it was Beebs' and I was all interested while reading it, thinking "Me too!", until I realized that it was mine. Weird.

Restart: I am not okay.

Things are not okay. My life is not okay. I am not comfortable with where I am, with who I am, with what I want. I don't even know what I want. But, I know it's not this. I know, too, I don't want to be this person. I don't like this person: I keep reaching to the surface, pulling myself up, recognizing the now. I like diving down, I like settling in and sifting through myself, I like being deeper in moments than I am supposed to be. I like that side of me, and I don't have it anymore.

I'm sure that I'm around here somewhere, buried under the surface. I'm sure that I haven't misplaced myself completely. I am sure that I've lost myself so that, when I find myself, I'll be in a new and wonderful place that I couldn't have gotten to consciously. I'm sure of these things, kind of.

I like being a child of God. I like finding God in unexpected, ordinary places. Walking side by side with God, through the mundane and the extraordinary places, is my absolute favorite thing about being a human. Not that you could tell, lately. There is nothing that you could point to in my day that would let you in on that fact. Lately, I am a grasping and uncertain spirit. And somehow I've kept it expertly hidden because no one out here would tell you that about me.

I need myself back. I miss me. I need to regain my footing.

last night was so strange i have to write about it. Some of it may have been in my head, and none of it may mean anything, but I have to put it down so I can think about it later.

While I was falling asleep, I turned over and saw the silhouette of someone in my room. A man. It was strange, because I SAW him. Normally, when I "see" things, they're fuzzy images, or mostly I just know that they're there. But this time, it was crystal clear, an outline of a man standing in front of my curtains, away from my bed. I looked back and he was gone. I rolled over and fell asleep.

I was exhausted last night, and couldn't stay awake even though I had so so much to do. But, all night long, I did spiritual warfare. But, again, nothing like I normally do. Normally, I wake up off and on during the night and know that my spirit is talking to God. It's comforting, edifying, and it builds me up. This time, it was scary, violent, and felt real. I dreamt I walked into a house and this ball of mist came up to me (I was with my mom) and tried to hurt us. It turned into a clear ball and hovered near my face and I was trying to say "In the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, I command you to leave" or something like that, and I couldn't speak. My mouth wouldn't move, my lungs wouldn't work, nothing came out. I tried and tried and tried and finally I was able to get it out and make the thing leave.

Mostly, I was praying my was through this old house, trying to teach my family how to do it too, but they wouldn't even try they just relied on me. Once, I was pinned to the floor and there was a huge (HUGE) spider. My mom was too afraid to even shoo it away and, since I was pinned, it used its razor-sharp legs to rip my cheek apart, until I broke free of whatever was holding me down and chased it away. Then, I scolded my mom.

When I woke up, I felt sick. I've been sick since the beginning of November: strep, pneumonia, etc. I felt sicker than I have, and in my sleepy state, I realized the spirit I'd been fighting was the spirit of sickness. That it'd taken over my body and I was trying to kick it out.

I still feel really sick. It's early in the morning, though, so we'll see how it progresses. I have too much to do.

If you have any insight on the weirdness of last night, please pass it on...

being with scott changed something in me. And, even though he's out of my life now, that change has stayed. I was just thinking about getting drunk, and how I did this weekend but before that it had been at least a month. I just don't want to anymore. I don't feel as frantic, as grasping, as before. I don't feel like I have to run from thing to thing without rest. I don't feel like I have to be something I'm not.

I am more settled into myself. Even though my life is always, always crazy--I feel rooted, feet firmly planted. It's funny because there wasn't anything stable about Scott except for his rhetoric. Once he came back from California it was all a roller coaster. It was exhausting keeping up with his moods, waiting for him to prove good on his word, trying to bolster his fragile male ego. But somewhere in the mix I found myself acting like myself again. I found the ability to be affectionate again, to be sweet without sacrificing honesty (most of the time), and to be involved in my own life. I lost the frantic, the bitter, the denial part of me.

Things with Scott were not good. Not after the initial stage. But good came out of it, and somehow being with him gave me myself. If that makes sense.

So, my soul wants to say something. but it's not clear. it hasn't been for a while. i've been stuffing it deep down inside of me for months now. i'm no closer to God than I was in august. i might even venture to say that i'm as far away from him as i was years ago when i had the worst summer of my entire life. this time i'm making my own bed and hoping to lie in it. although i know it's going to hurt and suck, i'm just being so selfish and wanting to do what i want when i want and how i want. not giving much of a care into whether it's going to hurt anyone else and whether my heart can really recover from it. i hate to say it, but i don't think it can. the love i want and need can only come from god and i'm being a puss. i'm wooking pa nub in all da wong paces, as buckwheat would say. and i know it's going to hurt. but right now i want to know that i'm attractive. that i'm wanted. that i'm desired more than i want to know that i'm virtuous and pretty on the inside. what does that get you, you know? i don't know. i'm tired again. tired of being the one that always does the right thing. that can barely relate because i slipped up years ago on some offense that most people don't even see as an offense. i'm tired of being the one that people whisper around because they don't want to say the wrong thing. i'm tired of seeing people get the things i'm yearning for, but i get passed over. i'm tired of continuously questioning myself. i'm tired of not being good enough. tired.

Hungry

I'd decided to fast because I wanted to please God, and felt like it was time to be refined. Fasting seemed like the perfect way to mark the transition. For some reason, 7 days stuck in my head. I remember when 3 days was hard for me, back when I would fast on a whim and drink V8 and pray.

The fast: during the 7 days, it sucked. I woke every morning and annointed myself (each time I did, the word "consecration" would pop into my head) and sat on my lanai and prayed and read a part of the Bible. It felt less than magical. It felt almost like nothing--dull, rote, uninspired--but I'd commited so I did it. I tried to have a good attitude, but I didn't. I wanted to give up, but each time I'd pray and tell God "please let this show you that I take us, that I take you and me, seriously." If all that came of the fast was that God (and myself) knew I took our relationship seriously, that was enough for me.

It wasn't really until I was done that anything shifted in my spirit. During the fast I felt like I was surrounded by fog, that there was a thick sticky substance that kept me from reaching God and kept God's word from getting to me with any clarity. But today, after eating (food is the greatest thing EVER!), the world seems clearer, and so does what I want.

This morning I had my first breakthrough since I started fasting: I have not been a good friend to God. I used to be, we were best friends. But lately, I've been a really, really crappy friend to God. I want to be better. I feel like I'm getting the clean start that I wanted. And, after fasting, I feel like I've proven to myself that I still know how to follow through.

I am deciding, today (and each morning) to turn my life towards God.

i have a confession. I've had the crappiest attitude ever the last 2 days. I'm doing this cleanse for spiritual purposes, mostly, and I'm discouraged and grumpy as all get out. I keep focusing on the bad, on how tired I am or how much I want to eat, rather than praying or thinking positive thoughts. God loves a cheerful giver, right? And I'm trying to give of myself. But I just want to curl up and sleep all the time.

today i feel better, but i didn't go to church. i have no spiritual stimuli at all right now. and i'm becoming more dependent on people, which sucks. yeah, not really liking myself right now. i'm just not satisfied. that's all. i need a better life. i need to leave work earlier and live a little. i need to make sure that i'm doing what i'm supposed to do when i need to do it. i need to keep God first. i need to decide if i want to go on a date. i complain about not going but when someone wants to take me, i brush it off. what's wrong with me? i wish i could step out of my skin for a while and sit and contemplate and fix myself. my heart aches and my body rebels. God woke me up this morning and i ignored him. my heart is barely willing right now. just barely. i'm hanging by a thread of faith. it's good times.