i don't know if i have much to say.

I waver between understanding and hopelessness. Some days, my spirit is settled into my body and I am settled into my life and everything is expectantly, frighteningly in place. Other days, I look at branches hanging over ravines and want to grab onto them and swing across, knowing they'd break on me. Those days, the loneliness is overwhelming and I am just tired. Weary. Life is overwhelming. I know, from talking to people, that I am not alone. My good friend and I joked about it the other day--how she wants to crawl out of her window on the 20th floor, what she would do, how everyone would understand. Women that I never thought would feel this way are feeling this way. Not that, in reality, we would act on it. I wouldn't, I hope. Just that there's a weariness in our bones.

It feels odd to write this today, when I feel far removed from my desperation. Today I feel like life is just moving, that I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

Beebs, how are you??

cleansing

dear god..why are raccoons so angry?
your so,
ron

bleeding out, day 2

the saga continues.

Today is overload. Too much blood, too much of a heavy head, too much nausea. I believe the body reacts to the spirit. I believe that when we go through things, they are reflected in the body. And I'm trying to figure out what, exactly, my body is reacting to. I know I made a commitment--to my purpose, to my body, to God--and maybe that's just it. I feel like my body is sloughing off all of the sickness and trauma of the past 3 years. Enough to make me want to curl into the fetal position, just because of the weight. I know that I've let go of a lot, too. Of the brokenness caused by a relationship gone very, very wrong; of my indignant attitude towards things that happened TO me, of the rape, of disappointment and disillusionment. I've let go of a lot, and decided not to be a child and to be an adult. Maybe this is my body's way of growing up. But, man, it hurts. Even my legs are sore. I just gotta go through it, and be present in my body.

amazing things are happening--again, still, finally. I blessed my room and myself and my body is functioning. I am healed. God is in this place, and in me. I feel whole and strong and terrifying like I should be. I feel my purpose, and the ability to achieve it.

Sometimes, when women let things go in their spirit or come to divine realizations, they get their period. Mine came 2 weeks early and I was trying to figure out why, what physically caused it. But I realized that it wasn't physical. When I was on the mainland I came to certain conclusions and realizations and asked God for physical signs of those changes. It took a while for the realizations to soak into me and solidify. They are solid now, though. And so I bleed. All the sickness that was in my body is coming out, is being sloughed off. This body is a temple that carries my spirit in the world--my spirit is sanctified and so, too, is my body. There isn't room for sickness in a holy place. There isn't room for filler when there's so much good.

Things aren't changing--they have changed. Things have solidified and I am just catching up to them.

today...

today is rainy and sedated and crazy sad weather feeling. at least it should be crazy sad weather feeling. today is actually great. i feel light and airy and good. just deep, down, solid good. and just...happy. nothing exciting has happened to me lately, but i think i've finally done it. i've finally let go and just allowed myself to be. and that just feels good. the only that could have made it better is if i would have talked to God. but that's my fault.

funny that you thought i'd written somehting. i'd started to, but then erased it.

i'm not ok either. i'm really emotional right now and shawn is not helping that at all. he makes me feel crazy. and although i know i'm not, that's a huge insecurity for me because i don't want to be that needy girl. that clingy girl. you know the one... so i've tried my very hardest to be completely logical with him and not emotional. and although the emotions break through sometimes, i've kept it pretty low with him.

spiritual things are kind of in the back of my mind right now. i keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye, but nothing that i can pinpoint exactly. last night there was a huge black thing crawling above the window i've been smoking out of. yep, i've started smoking again. and it sucks. i don't even like it anymore - it's just something to do.

eating has been awful. i either don't eat enough or i eat too much. i think it's cancelling out though cause i havne't lost or gained any weight. so that's good. i'm going to start running again here soon so that should jumpstart more weight loss. i'm still getting used to being a size smaller. it's so weird to me. almost like i'm just fooling myself and it didn't really happen.

today i got my handwriting analyzed. amazing. i love stuff like that. it was really freaky how exact it was. and the woman that did it kind of knows me but doesn't know me that well. so it's not like she was just trying to make me feel better about myself. i have a lot of good traits that i didn't realize that i had. i mean, i knew them inherently, but as she saying them and asking me about them, i realized that i'm a great friend and a good person for the most part. everyone has flaws but mostly, people should be proud to know me. my biggest flaw that she found was low self-esteem. she said that i'm too hard on myself, i'm perfectionistic, and need to lighten up on myself and not be so hard on myself. so i'm going to work on that. i don't exactly know how to fix it, but i know that i need to fix it if i'm ever going to pull myself together, get back in school, and just live a better life. she said that i'm never happy with myself - which is so true. when people say good things about me, i can't believe it. i can't believe that they are talking about me. i can't grasp that they really think that i'm a good person. why? i don't know. i don't get it.

one thing she said that spoke to me as if God were in the room is that i underestimate myself to the point that i undermine my own existence. like i undermine the reason that God put me here to begin with. she said that i'll never really fulfill my purpose if i don't let go of my self-criticism. (most of that is my words - she was more objective than that) - but that's it for the most part.

and that's how i'm doing...

oh gosh i forgot about that last post. I actually thought it was Beebs' and I was all interested while reading it, thinking "Me too!", until I realized that it was mine. Weird.

Restart: I am not okay.

Things are not okay. My life is not okay. I am not comfortable with where I am, with who I am, with what I want. I don't even know what I want. But, I know it's not this. I know, too, I don't want to be this person. I don't like this person: I keep reaching to the surface, pulling myself up, recognizing the now. I like diving down, I like settling in and sifting through myself, I like being deeper in moments than I am supposed to be. I like that side of me, and I don't have it anymore.

I'm sure that I'm around here somewhere, buried under the surface. I'm sure that I haven't misplaced myself completely. I am sure that I've lost myself so that, when I find myself, I'll be in a new and wonderful place that I couldn't have gotten to consciously. I'm sure of these things, kind of.

I like being a child of God. I like finding God in unexpected, ordinary places. Walking side by side with God, through the mundane and the extraordinary places, is my absolute favorite thing about being a human. Not that you could tell, lately. There is nothing that you could point to in my day that would let you in on that fact. Lately, I am a grasping and uncertain spirit. And somehow I've kept it expertly hidden because no one out here would tell you that about me.

I need myself back. I miss me. I need to regain my footing.