So, my soul wants to say something. but it's not clear. it hasn't been for a while. i've been stuffing it deep down inside of me for months now. i'm no closer to God than I was in august. i might even venture to say that i'm as far away from him as i was years ago when i had the worst summer of my entire life. this time i'm making my own bed and hoping to lie in it. although i know it's going to hurt and suck, i'm just being so selfish and wanting to do what i want when i want and how i want. not giving much of a care into whether it's going to hurt anyone else and whether my heart can really recover from it. i hate to say it, but i don't think it can. the love i want and need can only come from god and i'm being a puss. i'm wooking pa nub in all da wong paces, as buckwheat would say. and i know it's going to hurt. but right now i want to know that i'm attractive. that i'm wanted. that i'm desired more than i want to know that i'm virtuous and pretty on the inside. what does that get you, you know? i don't know. i'm tired again. tired of being the one that always does the right thing. that can barely relate because i slipped up years ago on some offense that most people don't even see as an offense. i'm tired of being the one that people whisper around because they don't want to say the wrong thing. i'm tired of seeing people get the things i'm yearning for, but i get passed over. i'm tired of continuously questioning myself. i'm tired of not being good enough. tired.

Hungry

I'd decided to fast because I wanted to please God, and felt like it was time to be refined. Fasting seemed like the perfect way to mark the transition. For some reason, 7 days stuck in my head. I remember when 3 days was hard for me, back when I would fast on a whim and drink V8 and pray.

The fast: during the 7 days, it sucked. I woke every morning and annointed myself (each time I did, the word "consecration" would pop into my head) and sat on my lanai and prayed and read a part of the Bible. It felt less than magical. It felt almost like nothing--dull, rote, uninspired--but I'd commited so I did it. I tried to have a good attitude, but I didn't. I wanted to give up, but each time I'd pray and tell God "please let this show you that I take us, that I take you and me, seriously." If all that came of the fast was that God (and myself) knew I took our relationship seriously, that was enough for me.

It wasn't really until I was done that anything shifted in my spirit. During the fast I felt like I was surrounded by fog, that there was a thick sticky substance that kept me from reaching God and kept God's word from getting to me with any clarity. But today, after eating (food is the greatest thing EVER!), the world seems clearer, and so does what I want.

This morning I had my first breakthrough since I started fasting: I have not been a good friend to God. I used to be, we were best friends. But lately, I've been a really, really crappy friend to God. I want to be better. I feel like I'm getting the clean start that I wanted. And, after fasting, I feel like I've proven to myself that I still know how to follow through.

I am deciding, today (and each morning) to turn my life towards God.

i have a confession. I've had the crappiest attitude ever the last 2 days. I'm doing this cleanse for spiritual purposes, mostly, and I'm discouraged and grumpy as all get out. I keep focusing on the bad, on how tired I am or how much I want to eat, rather than praying or thinking positive thoughts. God loves a cheerful giver, right? And I'm trying to give of myself. But I just want to curl up and sleep all the time.

today i feel better, but i didn't go to church. i have no spiritual stimuli at all right now. and i'm becoming more dependent on people, which sucks. yeah, not really liking myself right now. i'm just not satisfied. that's all. i need a better life. i need to leave work earlier and live a little. i need to make sure that i'm doing what i'm supposed to do when i need to do it. i need to keep God first. i need to decide if i want to go on a date. i complain about not going but when someone wants to take me, i brush it off. what's wrong with me? i wish i could step out of my skin for a while and sit and contemplate and fix myself. my heart aches and my body rebels. God woke me up this morning and i ignored him. my heart is barely willing right now. just barely. i'm hanging by a thread of faith. it's good times.

bleeding out

i am so glad to be home. It's been a week and all I've done, really, is sleep. I've seen friends but I felt exhausted and defensive at the same time. I needed time to rest and retract my claws. I want to return to purity, return to who God wants me to be. I know I'm where They want me, I know that this progression is so that I can become the woman I'm supposed to be. But I've adopted traits that aren't mine in order to protect myself.

Last night I stumbled upon Deuteronomy 4 and couldn't stop reading. I dubbed the night Yeshiva. I knelt on my floor and read and read and read until I couldn't stand it and put the Bible aside and started praying. My knees hurt and my legs were tingling but I didn't want to sit up, didn't want to stop, until I'd poured myself out before God. So now I want to return to my youthful innocence. I want to be pure, sweet, I want to shine again. I needed time to cover up, to shroud myself with smoke and liqour and forced laughter. But I feel stronger now, and I'm done covering up. I want to be cleansed, to let go of the things I've been holding on to, to only cover myself with God.

i want to be better. completely better. but i don't think i ever will. i kept hearing whispering while i was falling asleep the other night. disturbing. but i think it's the "he leaves and brings 7 stronger friends back with him" thing. does that make sense? anyways...s-dog needs the comp. but i'm struggling. with so many things it's easier not to think about it and just live this weird godless (or god-ignoring) life that i've been living. calling out when i think i might need help.

i'm so sorry for that, God. so sorry.

Honor Thy Father and Mother

last night i dreamt that there were rats in my home, and I tried to kill one by breaking its neck, but it survived, and the people holding a revival downstairs were mad at me because i missed it because i was blocked by the rat. Before last night, I wasn't sleeping at all (1 hour the night before) because I'm so angry and exhausted and astonished by the way my family has been treating me. I'm not sure what the dream means, but I think it has something to do with pent-up anger and frustration.

What's the correct course of action when it's your own parents that are screwing you? (The phrase "So you wanna bend me over again?" ran through my head much of the time they were here.) I think that part of the reason I had to come out here was to see that my family doesn't have my best interest in mind, that I need to stand up for myself (unaccomplished), and that I need to separate myself from my family (something I try again and again to do, but they just keep holding on. And, if I"m honest with myself, I"m a little scared.).

I feel bound by them, manipulated, unable to stand up for myself because they think I'm just "in a mood."

So, how do I do these things while still honoring them? What in the world do I say in the sake of self-preservation? Family are supposed to be the people who stand up for you/look out for you no matter what, the one group that has your best interest in mind. I guess, ideally. Not in practice. I'm so tired of fighting for myself; can you blame me for not wanting to with them?

I just don't know. I'm too tired to think.