being with scott changed something in me. And, even though he's out of my life now, that change has stayed. I was just thinking about getting drunk, and how I did this weekend but before that it had been at least a month. I just don't want to anymore. I don't feel as frantic, as grasping, as before. I don't feel like I have to run from thing to thing without rest. I don't feel like I have to be something I'm not.

I am more settled into myself. Even though my life is always, always crazy--I feel rooted, feet firmly planted. It's funny because there wasn't anything stable about Scott except for his rhetoric. Once he came back from California it was all a roller coaster. It was exhausting keeping up with his moods, waiting for him to prove good on his word, trying to bolster his fragile male ego. But somewhere in the mix I found myself acting like myself again. I found the ability to be affectionate again, to be sweet without sacrificing honesty (most of the time), and to be involved in my own life. I lost the frantic, the bitter, the denial part of me.

Things with Scott were not good. Not after the initial stage. But good came out of it, and somehow being with him gave me myself. If that makes sense.

So, my soul wants to say something. but it's not clear. it hasn't been for a while. i've been stuffing it deep down inside of me for months now. i'm no closer to God than I was in august. i might even venture to say that i'm as far away from him as i was years ago when i had the worst summer of my entire life. this time i'm making my own bed and hoping to lie in it. although i know it's going to hurt and suck, i'm just being so selfish and wanting to do what i want when i want and how i want. not giving much of a care into whether it's going to hurt anyone else and whether my heart can really recover from it. i hate to say it, but i don't think it can. the love i want and need can only come from god and i'm being a puss. i'm wooking pa nub in all da wong paces, as buckwheat would say. and i know it's going to hurt. but right now i want to know that i'm attractive. that i'm wanted. that i'm desired more than i want to know that i'm virtuous and pretty on the inside. what does that get you, you know? i don't know. i'm tired again. tired of being the one that always does the right thing. that can barely relate because i slipped up years ago on some offense that most people don't even see as an offense. i'm tired of being the one that people whisper around because they don't want to say the wrong thing. i'm tired of seeing people get the things i'm yearning for, but i get passed over. i'm tired of continuously questioning myself. i'm tired of not being good enough. tired.

Hungry

I'd decided to fast because I wanted to please God, and felt like it was time to be refined. Fasting seemed like the perfect way to mark the transition. For some reason, 7 days stuck in my head. I remember when 3 days was hard for me, back when I would fast on a whim and drink V8 and pray.

The fast: during the 7 days, it sucked. I woke every morning and annointed myself (each time I did, the word "consecration" would pop into my head) and sat on my lanai and prayed and read a part of the Bible. It felt less than magical. It felt almost like nothing--dull, rote, uninspired--but I'd commited so I did it. I tried to have a good attitude, but I didn't. I wanted to give up, but each time I'd pray and tell God "please let this show you that I take us, that I take you and me, seriously." If all that came of the fast was that God (and myself) knew I took our relationship seriously, that was enough for me.

It wasn't really until I was done that anything shifted in my spirit. During the fast I felt like I was surrounded by fog, that there was a thick sticky substance that kept me from reaching God and kept God's word from getting to me with any clarity. But today, after eating (food is the greatest thing EVER!), the world seems clearer, and so does what I want.

This morning I had my first breakthrough since I started fasting: I have not been a good friend to God. I used to be, we were best friends. But lately, I've been a really, really crappy friend to God. I want to be better. I feel like I'm getting the clean start that I wanted. And, after fasting, I feel like I've proven to myself that I still know how to follow through.

I am deciding, today (and each morning) to turn my life towards God.

i have a confession. I've had the crappiest attitude ever the last 2 days. I'm doing this cleanse for spiritual purposes, mostly, and I'm discouraged and grumpy as all get out. I keep focusing on the bad, on how tired I am or how much I want to eat, rather than praying or thinking positive thoughts. God loves a cheerful giver, right? And I'm trying to give of myself. But I just want to curl up and sleep all the time.

today i feel better, but i didn't go to church. i have no spiritual stimuli at all right now. and i'm becoming more dependent on people, which sucks. yeah, not really liking myself right now. i'm just not satisfied. that's all. i need a better life. i need to leave work earlier and live a little. i need to make sure that i'm doing what i'm supposed to do when i need to do it. i need to keep God first. i need to decide if i want to go on a date. i complain about not going but when someone wants to take me, i brush it off. what's wrong with me? i wish i could step out of my skin for a while and sit and contemplate and fix myself. my heart aches and my body rebels. God woke me up this morning and i ignored him. my heart is barely willing right now. just barely. i'm hanging by a thread of faith. it's good times.

bleeding out

i am so glad to be home. It's been a week and all I've done, really, is sleep. I've seen friends but I felt exhausted and defensive at the same time. I needed time to rest and retract my claws. I want to return to purity, return to who God wants me to be. I know I'm where They want me, I know that this progression is so that I can become the woman I'm supposed to be. But I've adopted traits that aren't mine in order to protect myself.

Last night I stumbled upon Deuteronomy 4 and couldn't stop reading. I dubbed the night Yeshiva. I knelt on my floor and read and read and read until I couldn't stand it and put the Bible aside and started praying. My knees hurt and my legs were tingling but I didn't want to sit up, didn't want to stop, until I'd poured myself out before God. So now I want to return to my youthful innocence. I want to be pure, sweet, I want to shine again. I needed time to cover up, to shroud myself with smoke and liqour and forced laughter. But I feel stronger now, and I'm done covering up. I want to be cleansed, to let go of the things I've been holding on to, to only cover myself with God.

i want to be better. completely better. but i don't think i ever will. i kept hearing whispering while i was falling asleep the other night. disturbing. but i think it's the "he leaves and brings 7 stronger friends back with him" thing. does that make sense? anyways...s-dog needs the comp. but i'm struggling. with so many things it's easier not to think about it and just live this weird godless (or god-ignoring) life that i've been living. calling out when i think i might need help.

i'm so sorry for that, God. so sorry.