i thought i had things to say. Don't know if I do. Sorry for waking you, Beebs, just was thinking of you and wanted to let you know I love you.

One of the reasons I check in with myself less often than before is because I'm scared of how sadness has grown inside of me. I'm always everyone's cheerleader, and I just can't be anymore--and there's no one to really cheer for me. Could be because I'm proud. About a year ago, though, I told 2 people that I needed them--that the walls were closing in around me and I needed someone to come pull me out of this hole--and neither of them came. So forgive me if asking for help is something I don't believe in anymore. I'm still here, only by the grace of God, and all of those little mental/emotional breakdowns I had only helped to keep my overall sanity. None of them actually broke me.

Funny thing is that tonight is Beautiful. Outside, the city is all movement that I can't hear. Black ocean. Plumeria breeze. Silent sleeping mountains and starlight. And, inside, I have clean laundry and Ojan in my hair and had a good day. I feel okay. Except my foot won't stop aching.

It's okay that life hasn't turned out how I expected it to. This is what following means, isn't it? Keep things in mind but be open to leading that draws you to new places. Even if that means rarely buying clothes, or new glasses, or doctor's visits. Or even a fucking nice candle.

I know that I am where I'm supposed to be. I love it. I know, too, that what I'm ignoring (other than the gaping sadness) is this overwhelming need to be loved. My life is colored by independence and self reliance. Since childhood, I was the one protecting and caring for Me. It's hard for me to let go of any of that, for obvious reasons that I know you understand. We've talked about that before. But still, I grow tired. And I'm not about to compromise who I want, not even edging into 29 years where people tell me all the good men are taken by now. But I still want.

It's late now. I should go to bed and stop thinking. This is why I don't check in with myself much anymore. It snowballs. I know I will find love.