something's going on today and i don't know what it is. my spirit is unsettled and i'm paranoid and craving shawn. usually i would say that this is hormones but i think it may be spiritual. i'm going to the Good Friday service tonight with a friend. i think it will be good, but it's the first time in a while that i've been to church and that has me a little on edge.

then there's this guy that is visiting from California that is staying with the friend that i'm going to church with and i find myself wanting him to like me. and it bothers me. i want to be that girl that's just friends with everybody like i was before. completely oblivious to the guys that are interested until they approach me and beautiful because i'm happy regardless of size and stature. so i'm working on that.

i've been looking for good friends here lately. i feel like i'm surrounded by imposters and counterfeits. like i'll never have close friends here that i can depend on. although i do have a lot. i always forget that they are there.

one huge thing that i've noticed and i continue to struggele with is the feeling that my life is full of counterfeits right now. part of me knows that it's my fault and the other part is looking for someone to blame. i wanted a boyfriend - a committed relationship and i got a bootycall. i wanted to close friends that i could trust but i got party friends that talk about each other behind their backs. i wanted a career in counseling and i got a career in office supplies. nothing is as it should be right now. i think part of the problem is that everywhere i turn, i see my faults as clear as day. so i think that the problems that i'm having with others right now are a reflection of the things that i see but don't like in myself. things that need to change.

hmm...so that's that for right now. my heart and mind are a little more quiet now.