i am a perpetual Debbie Downer these days and i hate it. i was always the social butterfly. i could be completely wasted and remember everyone's names at the party, who they were dating, what problems they were having, and know their stances on God, life and love. these days i'm the wallflower. i still have fun and enjoy hanging out but i don't want to mess up. i don't want to step too far away from myself in case i get too carefree. i hate it.

my life is stale.

i don't remember why i'm here anymore. i don't even remember who i am anymore. what my principles are. my moral convictions. every time i turn around i'm compromising some new part of myself that i'm finding really was intact although i thought it was broken. i hate that too.

saturday night i stopped at a gas station off of austin on my way home and bought some cigarettes. i ran out at a party and just didn't want to buy any in the city. anyways, i digress. the whole point is that on my way home i realized that i have a disease. a serious disease that i haven't taken care of at all. in fact, i stopped going to the doctor. for some reason as i was pulling into the gas station, i thought, "i wonder how smoking affects my thyroid." so of course i went online and checked it out. holy crap. i have hashimoto's disease. i knew that (kinda) and i knew how serious it was (kinda) but really? holy shit. my body is destroying my thyroid. he (the doctor) made it seem like i had all the time in the world (5 years) to get it together. to fix it. try things that would make me ok. but he lied. i really shouldn't wait 5 years.

one positive of this situation is that i understand so many things now. why i act the way i do. looking back i can tell when i was having a thyroid episode and when i was just being a brat. it makes sense that i'm always tired, my head is always itchy, my skin is always dry. why i've always had the feeling that something was desperately wrong with me. that i was born with tragedy in my soul. things i've wondered about but never knew the answer for. for that i'm grateful.

the freak out was inevitable. and i haven't really allowed it anywhere but here. my safe place to just be sad and just let my soul cry. i'll be fine tomorrow. but today i'm just in shock. my heart is so heavy.