i don't know what to say. how to make this beautifully poetic and not be completely open. my heart is a little raw these days. i keep having these thoughts of who i am, where i'm going and what i must have been sent here to do. but it's not matching up to who i really feel like I am and the reality of what has been happening. i am in a terrible place. there's no peace here, no love, no God - nothing. and to imagine that hell is 1000% worse than this is crazy.

i'm afraid to say this out loud because it sounds so selfish and just, mean, really - and who knows the repercussions of a discussion of these feelings. who knows if i'll even feel this way tomorrow. even though i've felt like this for the past 5 months.

i know i made the right decision. AND i'm not looking for thanks or an outward pouring of gratitude. but maybe i am. maybe at some point i need her to say, "thank you for helping me. for giving up everything to love me." is that selfish? human? needed? I feel like I should be better than that. that i should be able to channel Mother Teresa and give of myself until there's no more to give. but I don't think I can. I'm really struggling right now.

I guess just recently I've allowed myself to really think the thoughts that I've known all along: I've given up my life for someone that would never have done the same thing for me. and that sends me into a downward spiral of tangent thoughts: 1. how must God have felt sending Jesus when we definitely didn't appreciate the sacrifice and almost feel like it's owed to us. 2. why am i really here then? why suffer the heartache when i knew this truth to begin with? 3. why was i born an empathic if it was going to lead to crazy decisions like this one? aren't we born with a purpose?

i'm securely confident that i'm lost right now. things are coming together physically with the job and everything but i'm feeling the strain of living this life. my heart is feeling EVERYTHING and it sucks. past tribulations and hurts sneak up on you in times like these. I'm fighting to keep myself clean but I feel like it's a losing battle. every addiction and person that i cling to is either smothering or ripped away.

i feel like a rabid dog. Praying for rescue but baring my teeth the whole time.