i don't know what to say. how to make this beautifully poetic and not be completely open. my heart is a little raw these days. i keep having these thoughts of who i am, where i'm going and what i must have been sent here to do. but it's not matching up to who i really feel like I am and the reality of what has been happening. i am in a terrible place. there's no peace here, no love, no God - nothing. and to imagine that hell is 1000% worse than this is crazy.

i'm afraid to say this out loud because it sounds so selfish and just, mean, really - and who knows the repercussions of a discussion of these feelings. who knows if i'll even feel this way tomorrow. even though i've felt like this for the past 5 months.

i know i made the right decision. AND i'm not looking for thanks or an outward pouring of gratitude. but maybe i am. maybe at some point i need her to say, "thank you for helping me. for giving up everything to love me." is that selfish? human? needed? I feel like I should be better than that. that i should be able to channel Mother Teresa and give of myself until there's no more to give. but I don't think I can. I'm really struggling right now.

I guess just recently I've allowed myself to really think the thoughts that I've known all along: I've given up my life for someone that would never have done the same thing for me. and that sends me into a downward spiral of tangent thoughts: 1. how must God have felt sending Jesus when we definitely didn't appreciate the sacrifice and almost feel like it's owed to us. 2. why am i really here then? why suffer the heartache when i knew this truth to begin with? 3. why was i born an empathic if it was going to lead to crazy decisions like this one? aren't we born with a purpose?

i'm securely confident that i'm lost right now. things are coming together physically with the job and everything but i'm feeling the strain of living this life. my heart is feeling EVERYTHING and it sucks. past tribulations and hurts sneak up on you in times like these. I'm fighting to keep myself clean but I feel like it's a losing battle. every addiction and person that i cling to is either smothering or ripped away.

i feel like a rabid dog. Praying for rescue but baring my teeth the whole time.

maybe, as part of this whole lent thing, i just need to feel the separation. Maybe part of it is learning, again, how to live in this uncomfortable place between who I want to be and who I am in reality. Honestly it's been a long time since I've given in to sadness and disappointment in myself and life. I don't remember it being this unnerving. But, it is. This limbo between two worlds. So maybe I need to be reminded of that. I know God has good reason why, I just hope They share that reason with me at some point. Preferably while I'm still alive. Preferably soon.

today is day 2 of lent. Or day one. Whatever. Yesterday I was full of joy and possibility, and today I just feel like an ick of a human being.

I've been talking to Mitch, through e-mail, and he insists he wasn't in love with Jessi. And he apologized for treating me so badly. I wish he was in love with her. I still think he might be, but if he wasn't then that means he just treated me badly for no reason. Or, because of me. That hurts more than anything. What is it in me that makes people hate me sometimes?

Today I have very little hope left in these bones. I've been slogging through the tough times with a smile on my face, looking for that next bright patch of life, and I'm just tired. I'm a failure. At 30, I'm just a nobody failure. I don't even have humor about life right now. Just sadness. I've done so many things wrong. And I have nothing to show for the things I thought I did right.

God is good and beautiful and sanctifying. And not only do I feel cast aside, but I feel like I'm clamoring for Their voice and guidance and approval and that I've been ignored. During all those hard times I did reach out for God, I did try, I held on (did I really?), and received nothing but more hard times. No soft words or comfort or Bright Shining Love. Just more mud, more slogging, more cotton-headed blurriness of a future. I tried. I tried to follow and make the moves I thought God wanted me to make. I tried, and I failed. Consistently. And I feel like an androgynous overweight judgmental gross shadow of a person.

i'm tired. i just went on a mini tirade about being independent but i erased it. it's not worth being said. i need rest and i'm taking the weekend to get it. i'm turning off my phone, the tv, the radio and just spending time with me. i need it. i can't hear myself think here lately. i think the only reason that i know i'm sad half the time is because my body cries to release the tension that my mind hasn't acknowledged.

i'm still sad. but most of the time it's ok. there are different reasons each time - none of them pertaining to him but at the same time completely rolled up in him. at first it was the "i can't believe you chose her over me" cry which translates into "i'll never be good enough". then there was the "glad i could be a dick house for you on occasion" cry which translates into "can't believe i let you use me". lately there's been the "i'm going to have to suck it up and take care of myself forever" cry. this one has not been so bad. it's actually allowed me to heal for the most part and just realize that nothing else has to be said, i don't owe explanations, i don't have to take anyone else into consideration. i am who i am and i'm going to do what i need to do to make it.

i'm independent.

that means that i fight for myself. i take responsibility for myself. i pick myself up when i fall. i comfort myself when i'm hurting. i treat myself to dinner, a movie and some good loving afterwards.

i was looking down the cliff on this and thinking that life was just over without someone to share everything with. but it's not true. i share these things with someone every day. i lean on someone every day. i fight side-by-side with someone every day.

i may feel alone sometimes and that's ok.
i may long to be held sometimes and that's ok.
i may want someone to fight for me sometimes and that's ok.
i may just need a break from life sometimes and that's ok.

i have to do what's best for me at all times. other people's opinions be damned.

first, it's funny how alike we are. On this blog, I often think that your entries are mine (except for the baby ones... I KNOW those aren't mine.) and mine are yours. Like the "life's purpose" one below, I forgot about it and was like "jeez kibibi thinks just like me" and then I saw the baby one and the beginning (independent) is just like me and so I thought I wrote it. Funny.

You are going to be ridiculously sexy, goddess, when you get to Hawai'i. Burned lips and all. I must warn you that I've gained weight.

I battle with the make-room-or-don't-make-room question all the time. A part of me embodies the song Landslide because I almost don't want to change or grow too much, just so that my future husband will know all these different sides of me. And if I let go of them, then he won't see them. Which is silly for a woman who always wants to be complete without another human being, who wants to work on herself CONSTANTLY to the point of insanity sometimes. But still, we all have our own small, secret treasures that we hold on to. Mine is a hope for a man that knows me, even the parts of me that I have to let go of.

So I think we just live our lives to the best of our abilities. And some days we make room, and other days we live in the space of just that day, and in the end it'll all turn out the way it's meant to.

There's a Buddhist saying that Life is perfect. As in, all of those so-called mistakes were actually a pattern in your life's fabric that was meant to be. Everything happens as it should--including our hesitations, our uncertainties, our "oh-if-only-i-knew" moments. And I think that our faith has room for this belief, too. When I heard it, it was a final succinct way to put how I felt--if I'm in the palm of my Father's hand, then nothing can go wrong. Thankfully, God is magnificent enough to cover all of my wandering ways and short-sightedness. So, I say (to myself, above all): Choose, Go, and Make adjustments as needed.

the truth i don't want to say

is that my life's purpose has always been God. And I'm tired of God.

No excuses.

i have baby fever. and i want to be married. right now. crazy, eh? yep, i know. i hate it. i don't understand what i'm supposed to do with this. part of me thinks that i should start preparing my life to add someone new to it and the other part of me says that i need to live my life as though no one will ever come and i can make room when there is cause to do so. what do you think?

recently, the word "independent" has been used to describe me. it's crazy to me. i feel like all i do is depend on other people. like that's really what i go to work and do - depend. it's so weird and annoying. apparently, i don't see myself as others see me - physically or emotionally.