...thinking on screen...

Grief is a crazy thing. It doesn't just affect the person who is hardest hit by it, but it affects everyone around that person. Everyone they come into contact with - especially those closest to them. I have never had to deal with grief on this level before. I have been through all kinds of trauma. I've grieved many losses - of situations, relationships, people - but never have I grieved like this. It's an interesting experience.

This grief is so potent that it is literally strangling my family to death - and I don't know what to do. We are all scrambling and clawing at our little gods while searching for a way to make it stop. I keep seeking the true God but not enough. The busyness has taken over and I don't realize that I'm at a deficit until I can't sleep, I'm drinking more, working too much, overwhelmed, stressed out - just not at peace. I need the world to stop so we can get this train back on the tracks.

My sister used to be my friend. Now she's a woman being strangled by grief. She is a woman doesn't know who she is anymore. She doesn't know where she's going or where she needs to go. Direction - she has no direction. He was her direction. He was who she is - she has no identity without him. Wow - that's a hard thing to process. Because I am who I am - alone, together... She was one with him to the point where she just was him - and I'm not sure that it was in the best of ways either. I'm going to have to think about that more - that would explain a lot.

It would explain why she's struggling with her morality. Why she's struggling with perception - spiritual, other people's. Why she has no peace. If your peace is wrapped up in someone else and their spirituality and you lose them, your peace will be gone as well.

I keep asking God why this has happened to us. Why this grief is happening to me. Why this pain has settled in my family. I've gotten some answers but right now a big one has settled in for me. gods. He was her god. He was a spiritual man that always prayed, read his Bible, spoke truth from his heart - but she relied on that. Now she has no peace because she trusted in the wrong thing. God removed the god from her life - it can't be the whole reason, but wow - what a revelation. Her whole foundation has been taken away.

Also, she was one of mine. I would never have admitted it before. I would have denied the truth of that statement. I would have shunned the person who revealed it to me - annoyed that such a statement be made. But now I can see it's truth. She was always someone I could run to when I should have been running to God instead. And the relationship that I always wanted and tried to foster was never going to happen.

This experience has been a lesson in placing faith in the wrong gods. Working from the wrong place. Loving from the wrong place. My foundation was wrong - it was twisted. A semblance of operating from a belief and love of the One True God but really it was all wrong. A lie shrouded in righteousness. I'm working to get back to where I need to be. I'm working to put myself in a position where I can reach back and help my family wihtout becoming overcome by grief, loss and anger of those situations.

At some point, a hard conversation needs to be had. There will be tears as the grief slashes at me and the anger of the loss tears into me attacking my character and relationships. But it needs to be done for the sake of our family. I dread it. I dread the moment, I utter the words "we need to talk". It's going to be a long, arduous undertaking that I have no emotional reserves for right now. But in order to move forward in a healthy way, we need to work it out. In order to preserve the love that is there, we have to work it out.

We need to work out our God situation. We need to work out our sister situation. We need to work out our family situation. And we need to stop letting so many things take over our lives. Chasing after so many gods just makes you tired and takes your focus off of what is important. I don't need anymore distractions.

So i went and bought the Kirk Franklin cd. FINALLY. After months of putting it off. OMG!! It was so worth it and speaks exactly to where I am right now in my relationship (or lack thereof) with God. It's amazing to think of where I used to be and where I am now. I'm almost back to the beaten path but now I'm a little weary. I'm not skipping and excited to get where I'm going. I'm just tired and now I have a walking stick to help clear the path and push back the foliage that keeps threatening to smack me in the face. A few good branches have gotten me good but I'm on the lookout for shenanigans now.

Lately I've been feeling like I should be fasting. From so many things. Men. Food. My phone. TV. Secular radio. Secular books. But I haven't done it. In fact, I've been wrapped up and thoroughly enthralled in said addictions. I just realized yesterday (well, i realized it before but let myself admit it yesterday) that all of these things are gods in my life. I'm torn between them and the real thing. It's eating me up inside. I'm in a constant state of discontent.

So back to Kirk (Franklin, not Cameron). There's this song on his cd called A God Like You. It hit me. Like bricks falling off a 4-story balcony. That all these gods were keeping me from focusing and truly living up to the plan that God has for me. I've felt for years that I was living a counterfeit life, but I thought it had to do with a particular person and not because I'd chosen counterfeit gods to lead my life. But I see it now.

So that being said, I've started turning them away and getting back to where I need to be. It's not easy. At all. Because as much as I want what God has for me - the real, I always panic and settle for the least. Which is no good. So during what some might call a "psychotic/emotional break" I let go of Seri for good. Then drank and cried my way through the rest of the weekend. The next one will either be the phone or the alcohol. We'll see. It's a pain in the ass but so freeing at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiemOD9wEWs

My favorite lines are:
"Healer, Father, Savior. Counselor, Friend, Provider. Was, is and forever. That's why I just want to be where you are. I'd travel life with You no matter how far."

Even though I'm so far away and not living like I need to, it's so true. No matter how far I stray I'd still travel life with God - the true God - no matter how far. And even if I end up being tortured like Paul or sentenced to a terrible death like Peter...I'd rather travel that WITH Him, than without Him.

...rehab...

Today begins my first day of rehab; rehabilitation of my mind, body and soul. I could feel it this week - the allusion that this was my last weekend to be just like everyone else. I had the chance to sleep with who I liked, go where I liked, drink what I liked but that's gone now. Not only is the feeling gone but I'm painfully aware of my shortcomings - in a "God fix me" sort of way. I've been walking conviction for weeks, now it's time to anty up.

Right now, I'm following my heart. I'm turning them loose - the things that I use to soothe my soul. Men: the smell and feel of them on me, in me, around me; past loves: the pain of love lost and the last little bit of clinging on that comes with defeat and realization that they were never yours; and alcohol: the soothing burn of strong drink as it pours down your throat, the tingle of skin and limbs as the poison courses through your body numbing you to pain and the reality of loss. I'm giving them up - and it's going to suck. I'm addicted to not feeling and not being honest with myself and others about my present state of mind.

The seemingly innocent text from Seri last night brought to my attention how far I've come and yet how easy it would be to fall back into that death. And I can't do it. Atlanta will not be another Chicago for me whether in love, spirit or life. I refuse. God, please help me get through this. To keep my eyes on You and never lose my focus. I feel like this is so dire. Like this is my last chance to truly throw all of my trust in You.

i don't know what to say. how to make this beautifully poetic and not be completely open. my heart is a little raw these days. i keep having these thoughts of who i am, where i'm going and what i must have been sent here to do. but it's not matching up to who i really feel like I am and the reality of what has been happening. i am in a terrible place. there's no peace here, no love, no God - nothing. and to imagine that hell is 1000% worse than this is crazy.

i'm afraid to say this out loud because it sounds so selfish and just, mean, really - and who knows the repercussions of a discussion of these feelings. who knows if i'll even feel this way tomorrow. even though i've felt like this for the past 5 months.

i know i made the right decision. AND i'm not looking for thanks or an outward pouring of gratitude. but maybe i am. maybe at some point i need her to say, "thank you for helping me. for giving up everything to love me." is that selfish? human? needed? I feel like I should be better than that. that i should be able to channel Mother Teresa and give of myself until there's no more to give. but I don't think I can. I'm really struggling right now.

I guess just recently I've allowed myself to really think the thoughts that I've known all along: I've given up my life for someone that would never have done the same thing for me. and that sends me into a downward spiral of tangent thoughts: 1. how must God have felt sending Jesus when we definitely didn't appreciate the sacrifice and almost feel like it's owed to us. 2. why am i really here then? why suffer the heartache when i knew this truth to begin with? 3. why was i born an empathic if it was going to lead to crazy decisions like this one? aren't we born with a purpose?

i'm securely confident that i'm lost right now. things are coming together physically with the job and everything but i'm feeling the strain of living this life. my heart is feeling EVERYTHING and it sucks. past tribulations and hurts sneak up on you in times like these. I'm fighting to keep myself clean but I feel like it's a losing battle. every addiction and person that i cling to is either smothering or ripped away.

i feel like a rabid dog. Praying for rescue but baring my teeth the whole time.

maybe, as part of this whole lent thing, i just need to feel the separation. Maybe part of it is learning, again, how to live in this uncomfortable place between who I want to be and who I am in reality. Honestly it's been a long time since I've given in to sadness and disappointment in myself and life. I don't remember it being this unnerving. But, it is. This limbo between two worlds. So maybe I need to be reminded of that. I know God has good reason why, I just hope They share that reason with me at some point. Preferably while I'm still alive. Preferably soon.

today is day 2 of lent. Or day one. Whatever. Yesterday I was full of joy and possibility, and today I just feel like an ick of a human being.

I've been talking to Mitch, through e-mail, and he insists he wasn't in love with Jessi. And he apologized for treating me so badly. I wish he was in love with her. I still think he might be, but if he wasn't then that means he just treated me badly for no reason. Or, because of me. That hurts more than anything. What is it in me that makes people hate me sometimes?

Today I have very little hope left in these bones. I've been slogging through the tough times with a smile on my face, looking for that next bright patch of life, and I'm just tired. I'm a failure. At 30, I'm just a nobody failure. I don't even have humor about life right now. Just sadness. I've done so many things wrong. And I have nothing to show for the things I thought I did right.

God is good and beautiful and sanctifying. And not only do I feel cast aside, but I feel like I'm clamoring for Their voice and guidance and approval and that I've been ignored. During all those hard times I did reach out for God, I did try, I held on (did I really?), and received nothing but more hard times. No soft words or comfort or Bright Shining Love. Just more mud, more slogging, more cotton-headed blurriness of a future. I tried. I tried to follow and make the moves I thought God wanted me to make. I tried, and I failed. Consistently. And I feel like an androgynous overweight judgmental gross shadow of a person.

i'm tired. i just went on a mini tirade about being independent but i erased it. it's not worth being said. i need rest and i'm taking the weekend to get it. i'm turning off my phone, the tv, the radio and just spending time with me. i need it. i can't hear myself think here lately. i think the only reason that i know i'm sad half the time is because my body cries to release the tension that my mind hasn't acknowledged.

i'm still sad. but most of the time it's ok. there are different reasons each time - none of them pertaining to him but at the same time completely rolled up in him. at first it was the "i can't believe you chose her over me" cry which translates into "i'll never be good enough". then there was the "glad i could be a dick house for you on occasion" cry which translates into "can't believe i let you use me". lately there's been the "i'm going to have to suck it up and take care of myself forever" cry. this one has not been so bad. it's actually allowed me to heal for the most part and just realize that nothing else has to be said, i don't owe explanations, i don't have to take anyone else into consideration. i am who i am and i'm going to do what i need to do to make it.

i'm independent.

that means that i fight for myself. i take responsibility for myself. i pick myself up when i fall. i comfort myself when i'm hurting. i treat myself to dinner, a movie and some good loving afterwards.

i was looking down the cliff on this and thinking that life was just over without someone to share everything with. but it's not true. i share these things with someone every day. i lean on someone every day. i fight side-by-side with someone every day.

i may feel alone sometimes and that's ok.
i may long to be held sometimes and that's ok.
i may want someone to fight for me sometimes and that's ok.
i may just need a break from life sometimes and that's ok.

i have to do what's best for me at all times. other people's opinions be damned.