bleeding out

i am so glad to be home. It's been a week and all I've done, really, is sleep. I've seen friends but I felt exhausted and defensive at the same time. I needed time to rest and retract my claws. I want to return to purity, return to who God wants me to be. I know I'm where They want me, I know that this progression is so that I can become the woman I'm supposed to be. But I've adopted traits that aren't mine in order to protect myself.

Last night I stumbled upon Deuteronomy 4 and couldn't stop reading. I dubbed the night Yeshiva. I knelt on my floor and read and read and read until I couldn't stand it and put the Bible aside and started praying. My knees hurt and my legs were tingling but I didn't want to sit up, didn't want to stop, until I'd poured myself out before God. So now I want to return to my youthful innocence. I want to be pure, sweet, I want to shine again. I needed time to cover up, to shroud myself with smoke and liqour and forced laughter. But I feel stronger now, and I'm done covering up. I want to be cleansed, to let go of the things I've been holding on to, to only cover myself with God.

i want to be better. completely better. but i don't think i ever will. i kept hearing whispering while i was falling asleep the other night. disturbing. but i think it's the "he leaves and brings 7 stronger friends back with him" thing. does that make sense? anyways...s-dog needs the comp. but i'm struggling. with so many things it's easier not to think about it and just live this weird godless (or god-ignoring) life that i've been living. calling out when i think i might need help.

i'm so sorry for that, God. so sorry.

Honor Thy Father and Mother

last night i dreamt that there were rats in my home, and I tried to kill one by breaking its neck, but it survived, and the people holding a revival downstairs were mad at me because i missed it because i was blocked by the rat. Before last night, I wasn't sleeping at all (1 hour the night before) because I'm so angry and exhausted and astonished by the way my family has been treating me. I'm not sure what the dream means, but I think it has something to do with pent-up anger and frustration.

What's the correct course of action when it's your own parents that are screwing you? (The phrase "So you wanna bend me over again?" ran through my head much of the time they were here.) I think that part of the reason I had to come out here was to see that my family doesn't have my best interest in mind, that I need to stand up for myself (unaccomplished), and that I need to separate myself from my family (something I try again and again to do, but they just keep holding on. And, if I"m honest with myself, I"m a little scared.).

I feel bound by them, manipulated, unable to stand up for myself because they think I'm just "in a mood."

So, how do I do these things while still honoring them? What in the world do I say in the sake of self-preservation? Family are supposed to be the people who stand up for you/look out for you no matter what, the one group that has your best interest in mind. I guess, ideally. Not in practice. I'm so tired of fighting for myself; can you blame me for not wanting to with them?

I just don't know. I'm too tired to think.

called my mom and blessed my apartment tonight. listening to india arie and pretending to work. god is good - all the time. he is forever looking out for me. it's amazing. even when i'm not in his word like i should be. i appreciate that so much. today, work was rough. just a lot of mental and emotional beating. i need to get ahead at work. hopefully that will happen. i feel i need to pray over my cube. for clarity of though, peace of mind, patience...all of things that seem to be lacking at work. i always forget that i'm constantly in a battle. i guess, because i don't want to think about it. so i shut it out. lord, prepare me and make me the woman you'd have me to be and allow me the freedom to follow wherever you might lead.

amen and amene

Providence

things have not been easy lately. I don't even know where to begin, so I will just cut to the God Point.

When I don't necessarily like my path, or if I'm uncertain of it, I love seeing God's hand so clearly. I was supposed to go to China. I didn't understand it, it was like everything was happening to me rather than me choosing any of it. I tend to not like that, but was excited about going. Then the job was pulled out from under me, for slightly complicated reasons that aren't worth getting into now and were pretty much beyond my control.

That night, I was confused and somewhat overwhelmed, and tired of being yanked around. I asked God what I should do, and distinctly heard them say Go. Which convinced me that I can't hear God at all, because my opportunity to "go" had just been taken completely and utterly away. I was stuck. But then I felt like he said Go to your family. I figured maybe I'd crash their planned family vacation.

I went to sleep and dreamt my grandpa was in the hospital, and I had to go to him. He was sick. He wanted me around.

A few days later, my mom called to tell me that my grandpa had been put in the hospital. I asked her if I could get a flight out there to see him this summer and she basically said no, that it wasn't that bad. The next day my dad called to see if I could leave immediately to go to Washington and stay with Grandpa. He was getting worse, he was scared, and he was alone. I pushed the days back a bit, so that I could get my stuff together here, but I'm heading out soon.

Even if it's not the best circumstances, I'm taking comfort in seeing God's hand in all this. If China hadn't come up, I'd be in school and working and wouldn't be able to leave. And, I'd already begun packing. It fell through under the strangest circumstances. That dream prepared me, and now I'm leaving. God is good. All the time.

not much to say

but it's been interesting to me that, lately, God has been encouraging me to be more creative. I've been given dreams where I'm writing, and I'm so happy to be writing (as I normally am), and I feel complete in that way that only creation makes me feel. The other night I laid down to sleep and pray, and (long story short) God allowed me (encouraged me, actually) to just be creative rather than straight praying. It's like lately I've lost my sense of fantasy, my imagination was drying up inside of me, things were either practical or nonexistent. All imagination had to come from someone else. But God said to take it and run with it and I feel somewhat restored.

sitting in a meeting today, i could feel myself getting sooo angry. about missed opportunities, people living for themselves, people giving me what they feel is the worst of things... my face was flushed and all i kept thinking was that i needed to have a "meeting" with a few people and go tell my friend about all of the bad things that were happening to me. as i was sitting there feeding the rage in my mind, a tiny thought burst through that wondered why i was getting so angry over something that i'd already dealt with? it was over and done. given to God. i needed to let it go. i quiet stormed back to my desk and thought for a little, then went to talk to my friend because i'd figured it out: my spirit was off. i wasn't me. i was in turmoil...like those big swirly things they always show in an ocean storm on cartoons that drags a boat down under the water in circles. i'm at a loss for words right now as to what that's called. but you get the point. i told her that i just needed to spend my weekend with God. even if it just meant listening to gospel music (cop out) because i was losing myself. really what i need to do is just sit in Him, be with Him, and actually talk to Him without an agenda. i told her (my mantra) if I believe that God is who He says He is and takes care of us and works everything out for my good, I can't go living like I don't believe it. so this weekend needs to be full of Him, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid He's going to tell me to quit my job and live for Him - I don't know how to do that. I know that I need him and the more I strive for things I don't have and kill myself at my job, I'm reminded of that ocean storm thing. my life is going down the drain. the more i leave him out of my life, the more pointless it gets. now if i could only apply that knowledge to my life and my heart - i'd be good.