sitting in a meeting today, i could feel myself getting sooo angry. about missed opportunities, people living for themselves, people giving me what they feel is the worst of things... my face was flushed and all i kept thinking was that i needed to have a "meeting" with a few people and go tell my friend about all of the bad things that were happening to me. as i was sitting there feeding the rage in my mind, a tiny thought burst through that wondered why i was getting so angry over something that i'd already dealt with? it was over and done. given to God. i needed to let it go. i quiet stormed back to my desk and thought for a little, then went to talk to my friend because i'd figured it out: my spirit was off. i wasn't me. i was in turmoil...like those big swirly things they always show in an ocean storm on cartoons that drags a boat down under the water in circles. i'm at a loss for words right now as to what that's called. but you get the point. i told her that i just needed to spend my weekend with God. even if it just meant listening to gospel music (cop out) because i was losing myself. really what i need to do is just sit in Him, be with Him, and actually talk to Him without an agenda. i told her (my mantra) if I believe that God is who He says He is and takes care of us and works everything out for my good, I can't go living like I don't believe it. so this weekend needs to be full of Him, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid He's going to tell me to quit my job and live for Him - I don't know how to do that. I know that I need him and the more I strive for things I don't have and kill myself at my job, I'm reminded of that ocean storm thing. my life is going down the drain. the more i leave him out of my life, the more pointless it gets. now if i could only apply that knowledge to my life and my heart - i'd be good.