the truth i don't want to say

is that my life's purpose has always been God. And I'm tired of God.

No excuses.

i have baby fever. and i want to be married. right now. crazy, eh? yep, i know. i hate it. i don't understand what i'm supposed to do with this. part of me thinks that i should start preparing my life to add someone new to it and the other part of me says that i need to live my life as though no one will ever come and i can make room when there is cause to do so. what do you think?

recently, the word "independent" has been used to describe me. it's crazy to me. i feel like all i do is depend on other people. like that's really what i go to work and do - depend. it's so weird and annoying. apparently, i don't see myself as others see me - physically or emotionally.

i lost myself for a while there. i'm trying to get it back but it's a long road to get there. life is funny. no matter how many times you fall you still can get up but somehow you never get up in the same place where you fell. you're either a few paces forward or back but never in that same place. it reminds me of that saying by Heraclitus (I believe) "you never step in the same river twice". so true.

so here i am trying to get up several paces forward from the place where i fell - a new woman. i don't know if i can do it but i'm trying and well - that's all i can do right?

i am a perpetual Debbie Downer these days and i hate it. i was always the social butterfly. i could be completely wasted and remember everyone's names at the party, who they were dating, what problems they were having, and know their stances on God, life and love. these days i'm the wallflower. i still have fun and enjoy hanging out but i don't want to mess up. i don't want to step too far away from myself in case i get too carefree. i hate it.

my life is stale.

i don't remember why i'm here anymore. i don't even remember who i am anymore. what my principles are. my moral convictions. every time i turn around i'm compromising some new part of myself that i'm finding really was intact although i thought it was broken. i hate that too.

saturday night i stopped at a gas station off of austin on my way home and bought some cigarettes. i ran out at a party and just didn't want to buy any in the city. anyways, i digress. the whole point is that on my way home i realized that i have a disease. a serious disease that i haven't taken care of at all. in fact, i stopped going to the doctor. for some reason as i was pulling into the gas station, i thought, "i wonder how smoking affects my thyroid." so of course i went online and checked it out. holy crap. i have hashimoto's disease. i knew that (kinda) and i knew how serious it was (kinda) but really? holy shit. my body is destroying my thyroid. he (the doctor) made it seem like i had all the time in the world (5 years) to get it together. to fix it. try things that would make me ok. but he lied. i really shouldn't wait 5 years.

one positive of this situation is that i understand so many things now. why i act the way i do. looking back i can tell when i was having a thyroid episode and when i was just being a brat. it makes sense that i'm always tired, my head is always itchy, my skin is always dry. why i've always had the feeling that something was desperately wrong with me. that i was born with tragedy in my soul. things i've wondered about but never knew the answer for. for that i'm grateful.

the freak out was inevitable. and i haven't really allowed it anywhere but here. my safe place to just be sad and just let my soul cry. i'll be fine tomorrow. but today i'm just in shock. my heart is so heavy.

i thought i had things to say. Don't know if I do. Sorry for waking you, Beebs, just was thinking of you and wanted to let you know I love you.

One of the reasons I check in with myself less often than before is because I'm scared of how sadness has grown inside of me. I'm always everyone's cheerleader, and I just can't be anymore--and there's no one to really cheer for me. Could be because I'm proud. About a year ago, though, I told 2 people that I needed them--that the walls were closing in around me and I needed someone to come pull me out of this hole--and neither of them came. So forgive me if asking for help is something I don't believe in anymore. I'm still here, only by the grace of God, and all of those little mental/emotional breakdowns I had only helped to keep my overall sanity. None of them actually broke me.

Funny thing is that tonight is Beautiful. Outside, the city is all movement that I can't hear. Black ocean. Plumeria breeze. Silent sleeping mountains and starlight. And, inside, I have clean laundry and Ojan in my hair and had a good day. I feel okay. Except my foot won't stop aching.

It's okay that life hasn't turned out how I expected it to. This is what following means, isn't it? Keep things in mind but be open to leading that draws you to new places. Even if that means rarely buying clothes, or new glasses, or doctor's visits. Or even a fucking nice candle.

I know that I am where I'm supposed to be. I love it. I know, too, that what I'm ignoring (other than the gaping sadness) is this overwhelming need to be loved. My life is colored by independence and self reliance. Since childhood, I was the one protecting and caring for Me. It's hard for me to let go of any of that, for obvious reasons that I know you understand. We've talked about that before. But still, I grow tired. And I'm not about to compromise who I want, not even edging into 29 years where people tell me all the good men are taken by now. But I still want.

It's late now. I should go to bed and stop thinking. This is why I don't check in with myself much anymore. It snowballs. I know I will find love.

something's going on today and i don't know what it is. my spirit is unsettled and i'm paranoid and craving shawn. usually i would say that this is hormones but i think it may be spiritual. i'm going to the Good Friday service tonight with a friend. i think it will be good, but it's the first time in a while that i've been to church and that has me a little on edge.

then there's this guy that is visiting from California that is staying with the friend that i'm going to church with and i find myself wanting him to like me. and it bothers me. i want to be that girl that's just friends with everybody like i was before. completely oblivious to the guys that are interested until they approach me and beautiful because i'm happy regardless of size and stature. so i'm working on that.

i've been looking for good friends here lately. i feel like i'm surrounded by imposters and counterfeits. like i'll never have close friends here that i can depend on. although i do have a lot. i always forget that they are there.

one huge thing that i've noticed and i continue to struggele with is the feeling that my life is full of counterfeits right now. part of me knows that it's my fault and the other part is looking for someone to blame. i wanted a boyfriend - a committed relationship and i got a bootycall. i wanted to close friends that i could trust but i got party friends that talk about each other behind their backs. i wanted a career in counseling and i got a career in office supplies. nothing is as it should be right now. i think part of the problem is that everywhere i turn, i see my faults as clear as day. so i think that the problems that i'm having with others right now are a reflection of the things that i see but don't like in myself. things that need to change.

hmm...so that's that for right now. my heart and mind are a little more quiet now.

i don't know if i have much to say.

I waver between understanding and hopelessness. Some days, my spirit is settled into my body and I am settled into my life and everything is expectantly, frighteningly in place. Other days, I look at branches hanging over ravines and want to grab onto them and swing across, knowing they'd break on me. Those days, the loneliness is overwhelming and I am just tired. Weary. Life is overwhelming. I know, from talking to people, that I am not alone. My good friend and I joked about it the other day--how she wants to crawl out of her window on the 20th floor, what she would do, how everyone would understand. Women that I never thought would feel this way are feeling this way. Not that, in reality, we would act on it. I wouldn't, I hope. Just that there's a weariness in our bones.

It feels odd to write this today, when I feel far removed from my desperation. Today I feel like life is just moving, that I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

Beebs, how are you??