called my mom and blessed my apartment tonight. listening to india arie and pretending to work. god is good - all the time. he is forever looking out for me. it's amazing. even when i'm not in his word like i should be. i appreciate that so much. today, work was rough. just a lot of mental and emotional beating. i need to get ahead at work. hopefully that will happen. i feel i need to pray over my cube. for clarity of though, peace of mind, patience...all of things that seem to be lacking at work. i always forget that i'm constantly in a battle. i guess, because i don't want to think about it. so i shut it out. lord, prepare me and make me the woman you'd have me to be and allow me the freedom to follow wherever you might lead.

amen and amene

Providence

things have not been easy lately. I don't even know where to begin, so I will just cut to the God Point.

When I don't necessarily like my path, or if I'm uncertain of it, I love seeing God's hand so clearly. I was supposed to go to China. I didn't understand it, it was like everything was happening to me rather than me choosing any of it. I tend to not like that, but was excited about going. Then the job was pulled out from under me, for slightly complicated reasons that aren't worth getting into now and were pretty much beyond my control.

That night, I was confused and somewhat overwhelmed, and tired of being yanked around. I asked God what I should do, and distinctly heard them say Go. Which convinced me that I can't hear God at all, because my opportunity to "go" had just been taken completely and utterly away. I was stuck. But then I felt like he said Go to your family. I figured maybe I'd crash their planned family vacation.

I went to sleep and dreamt my grandpa was in the hospital, and I had to go to him. He was sick. He wanted me around.

A few days later, my mom called to tell me that my grandpa had been put in the hospital. I asked her if I could get a flight out there to see him this summer and she basically said no, that it wasn't that bad. The next day my dad called to see if I could leave immediately to go to Washington and stay with Grandpa. He was getting worse, he was scared, and he was alone. I pushed the days back a bit, so that I could get my stuff together here, but I'm heading out soon.

Even if it's not the best circumstances, I'm taking comfort in seeing God's hand in all this. If China hadn't come up, I'd be in school and working and wouldn't be able to leave. And, I'd already begun packing. It fell through under the strangest circumstances. That dream prepared me, and now I'm leaving. God is good. All the time.

not much to say

but it's been interesting to me that, lately, God has been encouraging me to be more creative. I've been given dreams where I'm writing, and I'm so happy to be writing (as I normally am), and I feel complete in that way that only creation makes me feel. The other night I laid down to sleep and pray, and (long story short) God allowed me (encouraged me, actually) to just be creative rather than straight praying. It's like lately I've lost my sense of fantasy, my imagination was drying up inside of me, things were either practical or nonexistent. All imagination had to come from someone else. But God said to take it and run with it and I feel somewhat restored.

sitting in a meeting today, i could feel myself getting sooo angry. about missed opportunities, people living for themselves, people giving me what they feel is the worst of things... my face was flushed and all i kept thinking was that i needed to have a "meeting" with a few people and go tell my friend about all of the bad things that were happening to me. as i was sitting there feeding the rage in my mind, a tiny thought burst through that wondered why i was getting so angry over something that i'd already dealt with? it was over and done. given to God. i needed to let it go. i quiet stormed back to my desk and thought for a little, then went to talk to my friend because i'd figured it out: my spirit was off. i wasn't me. i was in turmoil...like those big swirly things they always show in an ocean storm on cartoons that drags a boat down under the water in circles. i'm at a loss for words right now as to what that's called. but you get the point. i told her that i just needed to spend my weekend with God. even if it just meant listening to gospel music (cop out) because i was losing myself. really what i need to do is just sit in Him, be with Him, and actually talk to Him without an agenda. i told her (my mantra) if I believe that God is who He says He is and takes care of us and works everything out for my good, I can't go living like I don't believe it. so this weekend needs to be full of Him, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid He's going to tell me to quit my job and live for Him - I don't know how to do that. I know that I need him and the more I strive for things I don't have and kill myself at my job, I'm reminded of that ocean storm thing. my life is going down the drain. the more i leave him out of my life, the more pointless it gets. now if i could only apply that knowledge to my life and my heart - i'd be good.

spiritual warfare?

there is something in my room. A while ago, I had the feeling that this room, this house, was impenetrable by negative forces. Once I left the house, I was fair game, but inside the house I was protected. That night, the night I prayed, I slept and had the most wonderful Spirit-led dreams. At 4:21 a.m. I woke up terrified. Childishly, irrationally terrified. I just knew there was something in the room, next to my bed. I finally got back to sleep, and again I had wonderful dreams. But as I was drifting off/waking up (I can't remember which), I asked God why he let the dark thing come into my room, and I think they responded that it was to remind me.

I think it was to remind me that, without the dark, I cease to be a productive human and a growing Christian. I get complacent. I don't follow my dreams or desires. (I dreamt I was writing! I haven't written in ages, and I was writing and felt whole in only the way I do after creating something.) I can't drown in the darkness, but it has to be there to give me leverage so that I can swim.

Spiritual warfare on this island is intense. I think for a while God let me get battered, to teach me to trust myself and trust my relationship with them. Spiritual warfare in Africa is probably going to be more intense, so I'm viewing this as preparation. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job.

And, I have to add, that this is one reason why I have been shying away from prayer. Prayer is powerful. Things happen when you pray. That used to excite me but now it just makes me tired. God wants me to be ever changing and growing, and they're trying to prepare me for this future that I (in my ignorance...er, idealism) asked them for, and I just want to avoid it and go to sleep. Is this wrong? It feels really wrong. Funny, but wrong.

for starters

Hey,

So remember over a year ago when we were talking about doing Bible studies online?

I have been in absentia with God lately. I avoid them at every possible moment. The other night, I finally prayed deliberately (not just the little everyday communication) for the first time in a while, and while I was scrambling for things to say, I felt like God was saying "it's okay, just be with me."

I told Beebs a few weeks ago that I need some sort of spiritual support, because of how much I feel like avoiding God, and if I know that there are people around who love God and love each other and that I trust, maybe I'll feel a little more comfortable being with God. And I always learn from you guys. So what do you think?

D